Function Order: Te-Si-Ne-Fi

“We just need to do this in the most efficient manner possible. Find the grave, dig up the body, wrap it in a tarp, weigh it down with some bricks, and toss it into the lake. I have all of the supplies in my trunk, along with clean towels, hand sanitizers, and breathing masks… in case the stench is overwhelming.”

– Bree Van De Kamp

Bree tries to keep everything under control at her house, and in rigid order. When the girls have to cover up a murder, it’s Bree who knows how to easily get away with it (ensure they cover all their bases, remain detached, and leave no fingerprints). Her attempts to shape her family often backfire, because her husband finds her cold and unwilling to compromise. She doesn’t want to do anything inappropriate, and judges him based on his behaviors as a husband and father. She won’t accept that her son is Gay for a long time, because it isn’t “normal.” She is ruthlessly organized, an efficient businesswoman capable of expanding her empire and making money off showing other housewives how to cook, clean, bake, and keep their lives as streamlined as possible. It delights her to put things in order, and she feels confident doing so – but is woefully out of her depth when dealing with people and their feelings, with addressing her own needs or even knowing what those thing are, or being respectful of others’ feelings. She is shocked that Lynette opposes her having spanked one of her sons for bad behavior, because in her mind, you establish good behavior through discipline young. She is a traditionalist, with specific ideas of what “the perfect family” looks like, and when her son doesn’t fit into that ideal, Bree turns him out of the house. She is a woman who pays attention to details, who knows exactly the measurements for the perfect scones, who has a place for everything and wants everything in its place. Her routine is so regular that when she starts acting out of character, others notice and comment on it. Her eye for possibilities makes her excellent at seeing an opportunity and taking it; she changes careers several times when forced, and can think of different ways to utilize her skills. She is open to brainstorming possibilities with her closest friends (who sent the letter, and why; why did our neighbor commit suicide, etc). Gradually, Bree becomes more accepting of alternative lifestyles and changes in her environment, although whenever she goes off on a bender, these impulses become destructive.

Enneagram: 1w2 so/sp

Bree has spent her entire life “feeling guilty” – for not getting the thank you notes out on time after her wedding, for allowing her boyfriend to get to second base in high school, etc. These behaviors have made her rigid, proper, and stuffy. She cannot feel sexually liberated with her husband enough to try “sinful” things. She focuses immensely on being moral, appropriate, and proper, sometimes to her own determent and the frustration of her children and husband. Bree spends a period of time in hypocritical behaviors—pretending to be a good person on the surface, but indulging sexual affairs behind her pastor’s back, and even embracing the title of ‘whore’ as backlash against so many years of repressing her natural urges and trying to behave herself all the time. Her desire for the perfect family allows her to make some cruel decisions on their behalf, because she cannot tolerate anything less than moral perfection. Her 2 wing wants to be seen as good, charitable, and generous. She often bakes things for other people and heads up various charitable organizations in an effort to help others. She will hasten to help her friends, but also is a strict disciplinarian (she punishes Lynette’s kids for misbehaving, and ‘spanks’ them, then is shocked when Lynette is angry about it – in her mind, kids should behave appropriately and obey authority).