Have you seen this from The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Russo? I think it is incredibly insightful. Any thoughts on how to free oneself from this obsession with fulfilling expectations? Have you worked on it or written about it?

“Before that happens, we need to become aware of the superego’s ‘marching orders.’ These marching orders, the meat and potatoes of our mental life, dictate most of our ordinary activities… they are not only arbitrary and subjective but also coercive and damaging…

Type 6 Marching Order: ‘You are good or okay if you cover all the bases and do what is expected of you.’”

Contradiction: How can you cover all the bases? Is all your scurrying around and worry really making you feel more secure? Is doing what’s expected of you really meaningful to you?

Anne Elliot: A Portrait of Type 6 Self-Abdication

Let’s talk about Anne Elliot from Jane Austen’s Persuasion. A girl so bound by super-ego, she winds up doing things she doesn’t want to, to avoid her inner reprimands. Anne gives up the man she loves after a friend convinces her to do so; she stays home to look after her sister’s kids; she takes care of her selfish family members; she nurses someone she doesn’t even like.

Anne is forever pushing herself aside to do what others expect of her—and in the process, self-abdicating her own thoughts, desires, and wishes.

My Own Super-Ego Voice

And the really sick, messed-up thing about it is… her own brain is doing this to her. Her 6 brain says, “To be a GOOD person, you must do XYZ.”

(“You should listen to good advice.”
“You should be selfless and help others.”
“You should take care of someone you dislike, because that’s the right thing…”)

I know this inner voice well. It’s the one that kept me in bad relationships (“a good person sacrifices”). It’s the one that had me painting a wall while sick with COVID (“a good person doesn’t let her mom do everything”). It’s the one that keeps my temper in check, insisting, “a good person doesn’t lash out or hold others accountable.”

The Light Bulb Moment

I never read that Ross quote before, but my light bulb came from Suzanne Stabile, when she said:

“Listening to the inner voice is optional. You’re not a bad person if you ignore it.”

I went, ARE YOU FOR REAL?
I don’t have to obey this inner critic to be good? It’s not actually God?
I HAVE CHOICES???

Mind. Blown.

Challenging Your Thinking

I started intentionally thinking differently.

When you realize your own brain is lying to you, deceiving you and causing needless self-doubt, things start to change.

I stopped blaming myself for everything.
Stopped guilt-tripping myself into compliance.
Stopped saying yes to things I had no interest in.

The key is to introduce objective thinking to combat the super-ego.

Ask:

• “Is this mine to do, or am I doing it out of guilt?”
• “Would I be a bad person if I said no?”

If the answer is no and you don’t want to do it, say no.

You Are Still a Good Person

The other day, a neighbor’s horse got into our pasture. My dad asked me to help fix the fence. I was sick. I said no. I knew he didn’t need me. He just wanted company.

And I felt guilty.

A good person would’ve gone, right?

Not necessarily. I felt like crap. But even if I felt fine, I could have said no—because it wasn’t my responsibility.

Some things are duty.
The rest? Optional.

I’m not going to hang my entire self-worth on whether I comply with every request. I am a good person. One who often says yes. But now, when I say yes, it’s because I want to.

Learning to Live in the Body

Self-awareness is everything. Learn to observe yourself without judgment.

Notice the guilt trip arise and don’t follow it.

Other types get to say no without shame. Why shouldn’t we?

When I start “scurrying around,” I force myself to stop. I say:

• “No, I’m not thinking about that.”
• “This is just fear. There’s no need to borrow trouble.”
• “It’s going to be fine.”

Sometimes my anxiety displaces. I’ll feel fine in the moment, but the panic hits later. That gives me another chance to say:
“This is over. My interview went fine. I refuse to rehash it.”

Small Wins and Lasting Change

It’s crucial to redirect head energy into the body.

Ask:
“Is this my mind talking, or my body?”

If your fear is in your chest, or your stomach—feel it. Don’t think it.

Let it wash over you.
Let it go.

The more you practice this, the easier it becomes.

Last year, I wrote a post about overthinking going to see Titanic.
This year? Gone with the Wind is coming to theaters.

And I just bought tickets.

I didn’t worry about weather or what-if scenarios. I’ll go. If I can’t, I’ll cancel. Simple. Clean. Peaceful.

Last night, I sent a book cover proof to a friend. They asked, “Are you open to criticism?”

I felt panic rise.
But I said NO to those spiraling thoughts.

Guess what? The critique was minor. Optional.
No meltdown required.

You can trust yourself.
You can say no.
And you’ll still be a good person.

Learn how to grow as a 6 in my book 9 Kinds of Quirky, available on Amazon.com or digitally.