Years ago, an ex-friend left me with a biting insult: “You can’t stay friends with anyone who disagrees with you!” At first, I got defensive. After all, I thought, “At least I have standards.” But the more I reflected, the more the accusation gnawed at me. It felt like a flaw, something I ought not to do. For years, I wrestled with guilt and self-judgment.

Today, I can stay friends with people I disagree with, yet I still see the world through lenses of “ought” and “ought not.” Anything that seems “selfish” triggers a negative reaction inside me.

Why Type 6 Thinks in “Shoulds”

This black-and-white thinking stems from the super-ego aspect of my type. Types in the super-ego triad — 2, 1, and 6 — share a deep sense of how they “should” be living, what their behavior “ought” to look like, and how things “should” be done.

We guilt-trip ourselves for feelings or thoughts that don’t align with higher ideals:

“I should not feel this way.”
“I should be less selfish.”
“I should be a better friend.”

The Gift and the Burden of the Super-Ego

In my younger years, this “should” thinking was relentless. I hammered myself over every mistake, every misstep with friends, and took all blame as proof of flawed character. Thankfully, I’ve grown. I now know I’m a good (if imperfect) person: loyal, true, and caring.

The super-ego can be a problem for a 6, or a powerful asset. It drives our loyalty, our duty, and our deep desire to protect and support others in times of need. But it can also trap us into doing things we don’t want to do, out of obligation or fear of selfishness. This includes failing to set boundaries, staying in unhealthy relationships, or rationalizing problematic behavior for the sake of keeping peace.

The Difficulty of Setting Boundaries

It’s tough for us to understand types who don’t share our super-ego-driven loyalty or inner critic. People without these traits may seem flighty or irresponsible, which we find unsettling. Most of all, it’s hard for us to cope with those who don’t fill our need for a dependable support system.

To a 6, relationships are like money in the bank. A safety net for rainy days. That’s why we go out of our way to avoid alienating others. We want to feel connected and safe.

Expectations vs. Reality in Relationships

One of the most eye-opening lessons I learned from my dad was:

“People assume others think the way they do, and what matters to them matters to you.”

But it’s not always true. I want to build a safe space by nurturing relationships based on loyalty, support, and mutual care. Yet the fear of loneliness can cause me to hold on too tightly, staying in places or friendships that no longer serve me, simply because it feels like what I “should” do.

Learning to Create a Support System Within Yourself

As a 6, I feel I “should” be loyal to a fault. Covering for friends, smoothing over conflicts, and feeling guilt when I assert boundaries. Establishing limits often feels selfish or rude, just as I bristle at others’ boundaries if they seem inconsiderate.

I want support, so I offer it freely, only to feel hurt when it’s not returned. I invest deeply, but it’s painful to discover not everyone wants or can be my support system.

The key is to stop assuming others will fill that role. Instead, I must trust myself to provide the safety and strength I seek.

Friendship Without Strings: Choosing Connection Over Obligation

Once aware of what I want—connection, safety, mutual support—I can enter relationships with fewer expectations. I no longer go “all in” without proof of reciprocity. I create appropriate distance and guard my emotional energy.

I’m loyal and helpful, but I no longer let others’ problems take over my life. I’m learning to be friends with those I disagree with without feeling threatened or obligated. Our friendship exists because we choose it, not because I expect security from it.

Finding Peace by Asking, “Is This Mine to Do?”

My “should” thinking is tempting to resent, but it also brings good: loyalty, responsibility, and reliability. Over time, by asking,

“Is this mine to do?”

I’ve learned to curb the super-ego’s harsh demands. I now relax my thinking and focus on what truly matters to me—based on my feelings, not just my head.

Final Thoughts

For Type 6, loyalty is a gift—but it can also be a burden when fueled by excessive “should” thinking and unrealistic expectations. Growth comes from balancing duty with self-care, establishing boundaries, and trusting ourselves to be our own safe harbor.