“Love knows nothing of rank, or riverbank. It will spark between a Queen and the poor vagabond who plays the King–and their love should be minded by each, for love denied blights the soul we owe to God.”William Shakespeare, Shakespeare in Love
All the world knows of the soulful poetry, deep tragedies, and “romantic comedies” of William Shakespeare, and on screen or on the page, he is an undisputed 4. Preoccupied with love, but also the depth of it, beset by constant frustration he passes on to his timeless characters. Yet, as the title character in Shakespeare in Love, we see a 4 at their full glory—pained, frustrated, elitist, annoyed by others comparing him to Christopher Marlowe, constantly thwarted in his affections but undeniably infatuated with a woman he knows he cannot fully possess (since she will marry another). So he infuses his art with his experiences, and thwarts his ill-fated lovers, because their death on-the-stage embodies his own emotional death at being without the woman he craves the most. Will keeps his wounds open so they can bleed. If one does not do this, one does not know the exquisite pain of life. He is an Enneagram 4.
Read on to learn more about them.
- The Need to be Special
- Envy and Depressive Masochistic Character
- Enneagram 4 Wings
- Social Variants
- Self-Preservation 4
- Social 4
- Sexual 4
- Spiritual Growth
The Need to be Special
4s are highly sensitive and spend a great deal of time over-emphasizing their differences from other people and their personal misfortunes. Longing shapes their life, often for the unattainable and what they cannot possess. Possession brings them little joy, because longing is more important than having. As soon as they possess what they desire, they feel disappointed. This can make them complicated partners. They may move heaven and earth to get someone, then feel their attraction fade. If the person leaves them, the appeal of them returns. Unless they are careful, they can engage others in an endless spiral of “I want you… no, I don’t want you… please come back…”
4s find it hard to live in the present, because it is defective, and long for what the future holds or what the past gave them; they over-romanticize the past, because it is “gone” and now unattainable. Life will never be as good in the present as it was before, they think. And if they attain what they desire for the future, they may find fault in it! They especially find the daily mundane aspects of dealing with a normal, imperfect partner intolerable, because dealing with the boring chores and responsibilities of being in a relationship are not as deeply moving or romantic as they thought it would be. Others’ quirks can become major irritants to them, especially on matters of taste (“how can he/she like such a plebeian thing?”). If intimacy requires them to sacrifice their elite standards, 4s may drive away partners with their refusal to compromise and then blame the relationship failure on the other person. Much of this is a defense mechanism against exposing themselves to true love. Actual intimacy, without artifice or drama, triggers their fear of being found defective and then abandoned.
Deep down, the fear of abandonment and rejection drives the 4 in all their motivations and decisions. Many of them experienced a ‘deep wound’ and the experience of being different from early childhood. They were the only girl in kindergarten with an ‘ugly’ birthmark on their face. Or the only boy with a heart defect who spent most of his time in the hospital, unlike the normal kids. Whatever it was, they feel the loss keenly of not having been normal, of being separate, an alien in a strange country where no one understands them. Rather than face their fear of being unlovable, they force others to deal with their outer persona of uniqueness as a challenge (either accept me for who I am, or leave). They craft a bold image to cover up their actual sore point and lack of confidence—some of them become the “weirdo” rather than drawing attention to their deeper insecurity.
As heart types, they base their decisions more on how they feel and their shifting moods than on the facts. They remember the tone and innuendos of conversations (especially if they perceived an unspoken insult) more than the words they shared. This constant shifting emotional mist makes them feel alive, so they increase their inner intensity by “overreacting” to everything to prolong the passion of the moment. They believe the highs and lows of their emotional life are on a deeper level than most other people experience. Because they react with so much more intensity, they feel like a deep, mysterious outsider, different and strange, but to give up these intense feelings to fit in would mean sacrificing the sense of being special that drama creates. They refuse to settle for a pedestrian life.
4s may become preoccupied with pain to support in their aesthetic self-image. They’d rather starve in a garret for their art than sell out for a lucrative income. They think genius requires suffering. Loss makes one tragic and special in that for a time, they feel more deeply than others. 4s can attach themselves to personal moodiness. They may swing constantly between frustration and hyperactivity.
They can become self-absorbed in their search for meaning while wondering why they cannot find happiness in the things that make other normal people happy. They assume they are defective, but are also proud of that being their special tragedy. Their elitism conceals their jealousy toward others for being so easily satisfied by life.
Being a 4 means living at the extremes of their emotional reactions. There is not much in-between, either love or contempt. They can comb back through previous conversations and interactions looking for the insult. Or spend more time in their own reveries about how someone made them feel than experiencing their true, more subtle feelings. This constant seeking of ‘extremes’ causes them to fall out of touch with themselves. Their constant unconscious exaggeration of their emotions effectively blocks their genuine emotional reactions. 4s fear unless it is a big reaction, their emotions may not matter. They may even feel themselves remembering and sorting through different oversized remembered imaginings when asked how they are, rather than lingering on their present reaction—as if they are searching for a more dramatic answer than the instinctive one.
The gift of the 4 is that their ability and willingness to endure pain makes them able to sit with others through grief, without offering to “help” or “fix” the situation (unlike a 2). They are simply there in support. Though it is impossible for them to overlook the flaws in the people they love, 4s secretly believe genuine love will redeem them. They are constantly comparing what their partner gives them to what they think others receive, and longing for the evasive joy others seem to have found in their relationships. In this way, 4s are unreasonable in their expectations. They over-romanticize everything and then feel disappointed by the more mundane reality. 4s want love above all, but unlike the 2, do not “move toward” others to get it. A 2 will pursue you out of the belief they have something to offer you; a 4 will wait for you to come to them, pursue them, recognize their specialness.
As an image type, the 4 fixates on presenting an idealized image to others, but one that is unique. The 4 rejects everything that is “not me” and then must bring out what is “me” through their aesthetics, tastes, interests, etc. 4s may be eccentric or dress strangely to draw attention to themselves. Compromising on matters of personal taste seems like a betrayal to their true self, so they cannot do it. They will not mind if others object to them, since they have no desire to be seen as agreeable. 4s are often self-absorbed. Immature 4s may be catty and elitist, convinced of their superiority, and bored by “ordinary people.” They fear revealing their true self to others (free of all inflated emotional reactions and crafted personal oddities) would prove themselves so intolerable as not to receive love. It takes time for them to truly learn how to love other people and not let their fickle enthusiasm for them come and go. Immature 4s will use others as emotional triggers without caring for them beyond their own needs.
The 4’s life is as carefully staged as the 3’s—they select their clothes, furniture, hobbies, décor, and habits with care to show you they are different, either more refined or someone who “doesn’t care” like others do. They can sense who has “more”—creativity, refinement, taste, talent, ideas, intelligence—and become envious of it. They fear meeting someone more special, unique, attractive, or creative than they are, because they struggle against constant deep feelings of insecurity. The thought of being like other people makes them fly into a panic. More than any other type, they will stubbornly refuse to change to suit anyone else or to be more accepted. They don’t want to fit in like everyone else. Being different has gotten them the attention they crave. Immature 4s don’t want this spoiled. Then one day, they realize how egocentric and unloving they are. Even then, they take a long time before they will give up their self-image. They can joke about being moody or a snob, but find genuine self-criticism hard to stomach.
All 4s dwell in their suffering and often use it to spur on their creative pursuits. Any type can be creative, but 4s feel like they must put their special, crafted “mark” on what they do; if they are not “feeling” it, they won’t do it. If it is not enough of “them,” it is not good enough. The 4 exposes their sorrows and emotions in what they create and ‘bleed onto the canvas.’ They can become so preoccupied with needing to do this, they may face creative paralysis. Death, loss, suffering, and anger are a theme in many of their stories. A “normal” happy ending impairs the greatness of a tragic, dramatic, violent end; a marriage defeats the purpose of a tragic, doomed love affair that ends with a broken heart and a body in the ground. They may even romanticize or daydream about their eventual funeral, and how beautiful and sad it might be.
Their appearance dissatisfies most 4s, who make it a source of shame and a public defect they cannot fix. They want to feel seen for “who they are,” but are so constantly thinking about who that is, they may not realize they are presenting an image of authenticity and not authenticity itself. The mere idea of this will sicken them, since they assume crafting themselves into something completely and utterly separate is what being “real” means (not like you is my identity). Unlike other types who want to be different (and are fighting the urge to get in sync with others), 4s aren’t aware of trying to be different; they just assume they are. Their differences come from a place of assumed defective separateness. 4s enjoy the frustration that produces. It’s hard for them to recognize or accept that they might have things in common with “normies,” and stop viewing them with disdain.
Part of their image is being broken, and they want you to know that you cannot fix them. They will shoot down all suggestions that might resolve their problems, because to fix it means they can no longer feel frustrated by it. 4s assume others cannot understand them, since others have not been through the hard things they have faced. If not careful, they will make everything about “me and my issues.” Unlike other types, they won’t attempt to “lighten up,” but find comfort and beauty in their active frustration.
The constant over-shaping of identity can mean an immature 4 will not allow themselves to find common ground, have a good time, be a good sport, or accept what others say. They can get so wrapped up in obsessing over how they are coming across, they forget to empathize with others (unlike the 2). The 4 assumes they are the only one who can see beyond the mundane into the tragically beautiful. They are not judgmental about right and wrong, but are super critical of the things they hate. Immature 4s experience grief as the vastness of their own suffering and refuse to accept help. Rather than mourn and move on, their loss becomes a deep chasm of enduring anguish. A wound that never heals. They cling to what they have lost.
4s need friends and partners who will bear with their ups and downs without getting sucked into their emotional turmoil. The unhealthy 4 will put their partner through criticism, moodiness, overreactions, rejection followed by longing, and over-dramatics. They need others to lead them toward the “normal” happiness most people experience.
Above all, they need to learn balance. Since they know all the trials of the human soul and have experienced all the emotions, if they learn to discipline their feelings and question whether they are overreacting or being unreasonable, they can create distance between a false overreaction and a genuine reaction that allows them to sensitively deal with “real life” rather than inflated fabrications. They must stop over-indulging their feelings, playing with their moods, and forcing them upon others. The art of a healthy 4 that has done this is like Shakespeare’s creations, deep, profound, full of intense and rich meaning, but also self-aware. They must learn to choose their battles, meet people where they are, remind themselves not to focus on others’ flaws, force themselves not to over-romanticize the past, and find happiness in the present. It’s important for them to question whether they are self-differentiating in ways that hurt other people, or if they are rejecting someone just because they seem too “normal.”
They need to learn to develop a sense of healthy expectations based in reality and set reachable goals rather than lofty extremes. They must learn to find their energy for life without it being hinged on constant dramatic extremes. They must learn to accept reality, even if it’s inadequate. 4s must face their self-importance and recognize it as the way they avoid feeling inadequate. They must learn not to focus on constant envious comparisons to other people and their situation, and recognize that their assumptions about others’ happiness are not always true. The dark, difficult and complicated feelings of others do not intimidate healthy 4s, since they have lived through it all. They can deal with feelings other types find difficult to face. Healthy 4s provide the world with beauty, depth, and refinement. When they learn how to balance out their extremes, they also discover the ability to make important creative contributions to its beauty.
Envy and Depressive Masochistic Character
The envy of the 4 involves a painful sense of personal deficit and a craving toward what they feel is lacking in their life. They see goodness as something outside themselves. Their envy comes from an excessive craving for love resulting from their chronic sense of inner scarcity and badness, but this only serves to simulate their frustration and pain. As a result, the 4 becomes over-identified with “suffering.” The 4 gravitates around an excessive concern with their self-image. Unlike the 3, who identifies with an idealized image, the 4 obsesses over that part of themselves that fails to fit an idealized image and is striving to attain the unattainable. The 4’s vanity comes from failing to reach their goal because of their inner sense of worthlessness.
Though 4 and 5 share a sense of irrelevance, depression, guilt, and self-lacking, the 5 adopts moral indifference, apathy, and emptiness. The 4 becomes a marshland of emotion, turmoil, and turbulence. Their most notable trait besides envious motivation is self-victimization and frustration. 4s are prone to masochistic and self-defeating personality traits, depression, and a constant emotional awareness and emphasis on sad emotions. They are pessimistic and skeptical.
At their worst, the 4 becomes an embittered, overly serious individual for whom ‘everything is somewhat rotten.’ They may manifest joy as a way of escaping sadness. The 4 compares themselves to others who live happily and reflects on their unhappiness; then regards those so easily sated by ‘easy pleasures’ as beneath them and makes their own suffering noble in comparison. They see suffering as a merit and reflect and ponder the bitterness of earthly life. They turn their melancholy into a preoccupation with appearances and seek to stand out through how they dress, how they decorate their home, and how they live. The 4 can be ill-humored, selfish, irritable, critical, even mean or ill-intentioned. Their pessimism in the face of all things and regarding their own fate has an obsessive quality to it. At their most unhealthy, they rejoice at new failures and desire nothing good for others.
The 4 can refuse life by not taking part in it, yet see in it a sort of unrequited love; if only they could have what they seek… what others possess so easily… they reflect, brood, and romanticize their suffering. One may call them “eternally discontent.” They often have a profoundly pessimistic outlook on life, accompanying attitudes of depression, withdrawal, passive-receptive behaviors, a feeling of insecurity, a need for assurances, and ambition that combines an intense desire to climb with a feeling of un-attainability. The 4 can have a grudging feeling of injustice, sensitivity to competition, and a dislike of sharing. They translate suffering into verbal or written complaining. The 4 inflicts emotional pain on and debases themselves.
The 4 has learned they can get things more easily by telling people about their troubles, thus drawing attention to oneself. This can develop into a stubborn refusal to move on from victimhood and a rejection of others’ attempts to ‘save’ them—if the 4 is saved, there is no more suffering. If saved, they find some additional torment to focus upon. 4s are known by their variability of mood, self-condemnation, rage, impulsivity, excessive dependency, and tempestuous transference.
The 4 feels terrified of loss, isolation, or abandonment because they believe they lack the wherewithal, the know-how, and the equipment for taking mature, self-determined, and independent action. They dread and expect potential loss, seeing it as ‘already happening’ when it is not. It is also difficult for them to believe those on whom they depend think well of them. They are fearful others will depreciate them or cast them off. They are on edge, prone to the anxiety of separation, and ripe for anticipating the inevitable desertion. They will meet events that stir up these fears with idealization, self-abnegation, and attention-gaining acts of self-destruction, self-assertion, or impulsive anger.
Their virtuous martyrdom is a ploy of submissive devotion that strengthens others’ attachment to them. Their pleading anguish, despair, and resignation release their tensions and externalize their inner torment. Rather than turn to anger, many 4s sulk or become lethargic. Some may use depression as an instrument to frustrate or retaliate against those who have failed them or ‘demanded too much.’ By exaggerating their plight or moping endlessly about it, they avoid responsibilities, place added burdens upon others, and instigate suffering and guilt in those who ‘take care of them.’
The 4 feels miserable more often and more intensely than others, and places a great deal of idealistic belief in ‘love’ as being the only possible way to salvation. Love seems to be the ticket to paradise and the end of all woes: no more loneliness, no more feeling lost, guilty, or unworthy; no more responsibility for self; no more struggle with a harsh world for which the 4 feels helplessly ill-equipped. Love seems to promise protection, support, affection, encouragement, sympathy, and understanding. It will give the 4 meaning to their life, a feeling of worth, it will be salvation and redemption. Thus, the 4 envies love.
The 4 has strong empathetic abilities (particularly regarding the distress of others), is vulnerable and prone to adopting the ideas or attitudes of others, imaginative and absorbed in their creative output; drawn to purity and unity, but looking over their shoulder toward the sullied and the sorrows. Because of their own identification with such things, the 4 is quick to sense others’ repressions, rejections, thwarted longings, and victimization. They find it hard to move on from past sorrows and find a melancholic note in artistic beauty. The 4’s deep desire for romantic love (with its enormous potential for pain, disappointment, and sorrow) may lead them to place themselves in relationships that will inevitably lead to grief.
Similar traits to depressive-masochistic personality: the 4 may place oneself in self-defeating situations with painful consequences even when better options are clearly available; reject reasonable offers of help from others; react to positive personal events with guilt or depression; act in such a way as to cause others to reject them, confirming their ‘knowing’ of being unwanted; avoid opportunities for pleasure; and do things for others out of an exaggerated sense of ‘self-sacrifice.’
Envy: a characteristic process of self-frustration; the 4 always craves what it cannot have, and what it sees as others having in abundance. This can be sexual, with the 4 choosing to be counter-cultural (identification with homosexuality, asexuality, etc), or social, with the idealization of the upper classes and a strong social climbing drive; it can manifest as pursuit of the extraordinary and the intense, along with dissatisfaction with the ordinary and non-dramatic. The 4 suffers from intense envy toward others and their own sense of shame and vileness in “being” envious.
Poor Self-Image: the 4 feels inadequate, is prone to shame, has a sense of ridicule, may feel unintelligent, ugly, repulsive, rotten, etc. This self-denigration creates the ‘hole’ out of which arises their envy.
Focus on Suffering: 4s use pain as spite and an unconscious hope of obtaining love through suffering. They are sensitive, intense, passionate, and romantic, but suffer from loneliness and may dwell on or harbor a tragic sense of their life or life in general. They possess a deep nostalgia and are often forlorn. They are usually pessimistic, sometimes bitter, and often cynical. Associated traits are lamenting, complaining, despondency, and self-pity. A persistent feeling of loss echoes their authentic experiences of loss and deprivation, sometimes manifesting as a fear of future loss and impending suffering from the separations and frustrations of life. 4s have a prolonged mourning response, not only to people but also pets. They give an imaginative amplification of the expressions of suffering and find satisfaction in crying. For them, crying is a bittersweet thing. The pain of loss feels real to them, even though they are ‘amplifying it.’
Moving Toward: more than any other type, the 4 is ‘love-addicted’ and their craving for love is supported by a need for recognition they cannot give themselves. In their dependency, they cling to relationships that are frustrating for them, and project a sense of ‘helplessness’ others may interpret as a maneuver to attract attention. The 4 may feel a need for financial protection, besides the desire to feel cared for, since they doubt their ability to meet their own needs.
Nurturance: 4s are thoughtful, understanding, apologetic, soft, gentle, cordial, self-sacrificing, humble, and submissive. This is not only a form of “giving to get,” but on an empathetic identification with the needs of others. 4s may draw exaggerated attention to their ‘caring for others’ to contribute to their sense of self-sacrifice.
Emotionality: the 4 is incredibly emotional, with a mix of intellectual interests and introversion. Their intense emotionality applies not only to their expression of romantic feelings and their dramatization of suffering, but also their expression of anger. Envious people feel hate intensely, and their screams are the most impressive.
Competitive Arrogance: the 4 compensates for their bad self-image with an attitude of superiority. Though they may seethe in their own self-hate and self-deprecation, the attitude they show the outside world is one of ‘specialness.’ If frustrated, they see themselves as a ‘misunderstood genius.’ The 4 can develop wittiness, interesting conversation, imaginativeness, deep analysis, or a depth of feeling to contact and elicit feelings of admiration from others.
Refinement: 4s prefer refinement and detest grossness. They often prefer stylish, delicate, elegant, tasteful, artistic, sensitive, arty, affected, mannered, and postured behaviors. The 4 is covering up their sense of inner lacking by being something ‘other than what they are’ or admire, often of a higher class. The lack of originality in such an imitation perpetuates their envy of originality.
Artistic Interests: the 4 may idealize pain through their art and alter it, to the extent that it becomes an element in the design of beauty.
Strong Superego: the 4 seeks refinement, which leads them to self-discipline. This, they share with the 1, but the 4 is more keenly aware of their high personal standards and most of them are aesthetic-based rather than ethical. The 4 can also be rule-oriented, to combat their shame, self-hate, and self-denigration.
Introjection—the need of external approval and love to compensate for the inability to love oneself. It can mean the casting of self upon another or the casting of another onto oneself. The 4 internalizes external rejection and reacts to it through chronic suffering and a dependency upon external acknowledgment. It is truest for the 4 that “familiarity breeds contempt.” The illusion breaks under the ‘intimate knowing’ of another and finding them lacking. Thus, the idealization of a relationship can turn to disappointment and nitpicking of the other person’s faults. The 4 is as critical and harsh on others as on themselves, seeking to denigrate them, especially in their most intimate relationships (finding fault with the lover, and being dissatisfied with them when they are there; then mourning their absence after they leave and wishing to have them back again).
Turning Against the Self: aiming the anger of frustration not only at the source of this frustration but also at oneself. The 4 may repress their anger and shift their superiority into guilt-laced inferiority (feeling and being undeserving of what they really should have). In this way, the 4 can never be the ‘victor’ in a dispute, for they self-sabotage themselves into ensuring the problem persists. They feel guilty in demanding what they want, and turn to envy and intensified emotions rather than simply making their desires known.
What created them: a perceived ‘lacking’ in childhood, which the 4 made part of their identity (differing from other kids, not having the same experiences, being ‘damaged’ through physical attributes or a perceived lack of attractiveness to oneself). The 4 remembers what they have lost at an emotional level. Sometimes, the 4 experienced an intense period of disillusionment or felt ridiculed; they felt a sense of poverty or alienation because of racial differences with others and noticed a ‘not having’ that others possessed, which sparked their envy of their perceived happiness. Above all, the 4 grows up feeling different, or does not feel their family life is ‘normal.’ The 4 can fall into the trap of lamenting over the past to avoid self-growth, which is to become fully emotionally independent—to learn to care for, acknowledge, support, and love oneself, and truly believe in oneself as ‘good.’ The 4 needs to learn to stop self-distorting (through the continual pursuit of something different and ‘better’ and ‘nobler’ than what one has), and stop self-frustrating themselves in love through creating criticisms to invoke a sense of dissatisfaction within the relationship. The 4, more than any other type, needs to develop the self-support that comes from appreciative awareness and the sense of the dignity of self and life in all its forms.
Enneagram 4 Wings
4s present in two different ways based on the influence of their preferred wing. While it’s possible to have balanced wings, or no wing at all, most people can relate to the traits, fears and defense mechanisms of one wing in particular.
4w3: The Aristocrat
The 4w3 has a core which feels a sense of premature rejection from the world for being different, alien, or unwanted. To cope with the pain of this perceived “lack,” the 4w3 develops their own sense of good taste, or becomes determined to succeed on their own terms, by broadcasting what is unique, refined, or different about them to the world. They want to find something in themselves to give out, to draw others to them and prove their value. They are frustrated (and anxious) about possibly not being seen, so they make themselves seen by drawing attention to what they want others to see—the things about themselves which are unlike the norm. But they never feel truly seen; to be seen would make them not-mysterious, it would mean someone else can relate to them, and that is abhorrent to them, the idea that anyone could understand their pain or share in it.
Their 3 wing orients their tastes toward ‘the best,’ and ‘what’s exclusive’; this 4 is all about refined aesthetics that reflect them. Everything external is rejected, and what isn’t, is taken inside them to be redefined and made to reflect “me,” before it is inserted back into the world. It becomes about my tastes, my interests, my aesthetics, my quality of work/creativity/value, my feelings. It needs to reflect me. Because there is a drive to share, compete, and be the best at whatever they set out to do, the 4w3 is more industrious than the 4w5 in terms of completion and marketability. They refuse to allow others to alter their work or shape their persona and will not adapt or change to suit others, but they want it made known and to achieve a measure of success. Their 3 wing fears if they do not succeed, they are nothing and a failure. Being a 4 makes them less dependent on what others think than if they were a 3; they are good at putting up a buffer and rejecting what does not fit up to its standards. If society does not understand them or their offering, society lacks a cultured enough refinement to appreciate their genius (they are a bunch of tasteless rubes). Success or failure can be a source of mixed emotions for them; too much success means they are too mainstream and not elite enough (and therefore they can be frustrated about that); too little means they are not appreciated as they should be (and they can be frustrated about that). They don’t want to be too understood, because that means they are no longer a mysterious outsider.
Their desire for success allows them to take opportunities when they are presented with them, but the 4w3 will find a way to remain dissatisfied with the process (it’s not up to their standard, the people they are working with do not understand, the result won’t be the way they want it to, their audience lacks true appreciation for their work). 4w3s struggle to be content with their lives; they are uncompromising perfectionists who care more about asserting themselves than the response it generates. They can also burn up with envy if what they work hard to do comes easily to someone else, and can use deceit to pretend they are less affected than they are by jealousy. 4w3s who achieve success only to lose it to someone else can become hateful and vindictive, resentful of some ‘younger’ version of themselves who has come to steal their achievements and render them ‘useless.’
Because they are aware of how they are coming across, 4w3s can conceal their envy, jealousy, or hatred when it suits them to do so, in a situation where it would be to their determent. But otherwise, they are frank in criticizing what does not measure up to their high standards, and in asserting their opinions. They feel that their tastes are superior and they are entitled to get what they want. A lot of their contempt goes to things that are too mainstream, popular, or common. They draw attention to themselves as being different by showcasing their superior taste in music, art, literature, etc., and breathing a sigh of relief that they are not like ‘other people’ who are ‘easily satisfied.’ In truth, the 4w3 turns their envy of other people’s contentment in life into something to admire—a superior intellect and sense of taste. They are not impressed by what easily impresses others, and draw attention to ‘deeper’ things (like Rose in Titanic, rolling her eyes at the Titanic as a splendid ship, and going on about the art she bought that Cal does not understand instead; “the difference between Cal’s taste in art and mine is that I have some”).
4w3s reject everything that is ‘not me’ in an attempt to discern what ‘is me’ from an inner sense of refinement and elegance; they want to be anti-common, while also having a strong awareness of what others expect. Part of them feels compelled to adapt to the situation in order to avoid complete rejection, but they want to be accepted for being unique, exclusive, or having the best taste. Much of their focus and energy goes to presentation and to editing and re-editing what they want to present to the world—because they don’t want it to be misinterpreted or cheapened by those who cannot understand it.
These 4s feel that they deserve things, and are assertive in how they go about getting them; they identify themselves by more of what they hate than what they love; things are ‘hideous’ to them, can make them burn with envy, or arouse their hatred. They craft a presentation for others, in order to present what they want others to see about them—their good taste, their intellect, their interest in higher things, their love of obscure poetry, or their romantic ideals. Much of their attention goes to proving to others that they aren’t similar to the 4w3, can’t understand them, don’t share their emotional experiences, and do not have similar interests. They can spend so much time making their differences a focal point for others they fail to connect to them in the way that the 4w3 desires to make an impact, or substitute a fantasy for the real person in front of them.
The frustration of the 4 flows into the desire for competency of the 3 wing, making them concerned with standing out among their peers for having value in what they can achieve. They are less withdrawn than the 4w5, and more attention-seeking, channeling their sense of alienation, separation, and frustration into the desire to be ‘the best’ at whatever draws their passion. If a 4w3 is an artist, they are a refined, touchy, picky one who wants earn accolades from the right people. In whatever they do, their output is for themselves alone, and those with enough taste to see the worth in what they have to offer.
4 is determined to honor their feelings and do not judge themselves for any of them (no emotions are good or bad, all are welcome), and will not move on from those emotions until they are fully sated; but the 3 is working against their need to over-inflate their feelings by attempting to put those feelings aside to get things done. Their 3 wing brings in the energy to motivate 4w3s to go after what they want, to take action on their own behalf, to set goals and reach them, and to power through out of a determination to get things done. They are willing to put in the hard work involved to achieve success on their terms, and will downplay the difficulties involved; although if they fail, they see those who rejected them as unrefined. This is part of the 3 wing’s coping strategy to avoid dealing with failure and pain—to make themselves important in their own eyes.
4w3s seek the limelight and covet fame by carving out a niche for themselves or by being critical, discerning, or even “bitchy.” They will not accept less than what they want, and feel no desire to cater to other people’s expectations. Inwardly, they fight feelings of alienation and a sense of being born different, or in the wrong time or place, among the wrong sort of people, and fear if they are not spectacular in some way, others will fail to care about them. 4w3s have to achieve or draw attention to themselves out of fear of being insignificant if they are not seen. Their amplification of their feelings helps them take up space in the world.
4w3s have specific ideas of how things should be, and are upset when those standards are not met; they fixate on and long for things they can never have, people that are out of their reach, or the ‘ideal’ circumstances for a relationship, while rejecting what’s in front of them. Their focus is on the past and the future, never here and now. A 4w3 never fully lives in the present or embraces what it has to offer. They are either longing for what has gone before them, for circumstances they never overcame, lovers lost, or the desire to heal from an inner wounding (not being wanted, being accepted, an outcast), or planning for their future. This can cause them to miss out on the people and happiness in front of them, in whom they also may find fault, because nothing ever lives up to their heart’s desires.
4w3s are in inner conflict, between rationality and not being seen as someone who “gets hysterical.” They may deny how over reactive they are, because it doesn’t fit their idealized view of themselves. 4s want to draw attention to everything that is wrong in their life, to display emotions under stress, and to be acknowledged for their suffering; 3s want to be accomplished and polished, always in control over their feelings, and to never seem flustered by life or admit how hard it is to achieve successes. 4w3s are picky in what they negatively draw attention to, but can be selectively non-emotional. There’s a deep inner frustration to them, supplanted by a desire to ‘get on with things,’ and ‘do them for appearances’ sake. 4w3s can sacrifice some of themselves to live up to the standards and expectations of those around them, especially if they have no real choice in the matter, but will nurse wounded feelings about not having choices in life.
Because they have such high standards, 4w3s are hard on others and on themselves for not being competent enough; they expect perfection and can be merciless in tearing apart things that aren’t up to par. The aggressive confidence of their wing means 4w3s feel entitled to get things—attention, power, appreciation, and the best things life has to offer. They can be self-indulgent and immune to criticism, writing off other people’s opinions and doing things their way. They take pride in victory, especially if they succeed ahead of someone they hate. They can be melodramatic and think people ought to be noticing them and admiring them for how unique, individualized, or self-crafted they are (unlike the masses). They may romanticize certain gestures and scorn more common expressions of love, and feel a particular contempt for anything that seems shallow, or forbids them the full range of emotions.
The 4w3 crafts an identity intended to be seen and recognized for its superior intellect, interests, talents, creativity, and tastes; they want to be noticed and to win at life, and work very hard at the things they care about, in order to avoid failure.
Character Example: Compared to her stoic sister Elinor, Marianne Dashwood in Jane Austen’s Sense & Sensibility is an unbridled romantic, brimming over with passions she is eager to share with the right people. Though the tragedy of Colonel Brandon losing his first love to death and despair and continuing to love her memory appeals to her on a romantic level, she finds him too mundane (especially since other people want them to be together) at first, and pursues a more “intellectual” choice in the dashing Willoughby. He has “more passions,” can equal her in fervor, loves the same tragic romantic poets and wildflowers, which are “not as ostentatious” as the hot-house flowers Colonel Brandon brought her. When Willoughby breaks her heart, rather than move on from it, Marianne wallows in her misery, shedding many loud tears in her sister’s presence, and even falling in through a traipse in the rain to see his country house from the top of a hill so she can weep over her lost love. Happily for Marianne, through her sister’s trials and tribulations, she learns to be more circumspect, to question her moods more, and makes a fine and sensible match in Colonel Brandon, who patiently waited his turn to show her his own brand of deep romance—which is less flashy than Willoughby showed her, but far more everlasting.
4w5: The Bohemian
4w5s are double-withdrawn, which means they are fully content to evaluate things on their own behalf, do not seek support from others, solve their own problems (but suffer from over-thinking, and lack the outer drive to change their circumstances, so they delay too long in taking action), and do not care what others think about them. They are not affected by external criticism, because they won’t listen to anyone whose taste, talent, intellect, or knowledge is less than theirs. Their sense of identity and worth comes from seeing themselves as alien, different, and misunderstood, but also from being knowledgeable. Like the 5w4, they are extremely introverted, but unlike the 5w4, they allow themselves more room for their emotions, and are not objective; they still filter everything through their sense of perceived difference between them and others, and draw attention to what they hate.
Being an image type with one foot in the head center, 4w5s are less concerned with their image in front of others, and more concerned with their self-image and on defending themselves against fear. Fear is a present concern in their life—the fear of being inadequate, of not being good enough, of not knowing enough, etc., can drive them to prematurely reject things far more often than they allow them. Not only are they rejecting everything that isn’t ‘me,’ they reject life experiences, the chance to take action, and prefer to stand on the sidelines and observe rather than participate. This can mean the 4w5 lacks the experiences that would teach them that they ‘can’ handle more than they think; they are fearful about others wanting too much from them or taking up their precious time and limited energy. They may turn down friendships, relationships, job opportunities, and collaborative projects because they feel they lack the energy it will require to deal with those people or circumstances. They are not inclined to reach out to others, to create content many would relate to or find interesting, and do not want to fit in or be seen as much as the 4w3. The 4w3 longs for a certain amount of acceptance, and wants to stand out; the 4w5 feels easily overwhelmed by the demands of others and the world, and can have hermit tendencies. They see themselves as an alien, a misunderstood genius, a reject full of strange ideas whom the world does not appreciate, and might even persecute for being different—the films of Tim Burton are a classic example of the 4w5’s inner experience. Full of “weird” main characters who don’t want acceptance from society, and are sometimes hated and feared for not being “normal.” This plays into the 4w5’s fearful wing, which sees the world as a dangerous place full of threats the 4 is not certain they can handle and potential enemies. The world, in their eyes, is full of boring people—cardboard copy lives and Stepford Wives. They possess no real desire to be a part of it, merely to study it from a distance.
4w5s are not as interested in drawing attention to themselves, or as ambitious as 4w3s; they are more introspective and inclined to get lost in their heads, allured by the feeling they are never quite ready to share themselves or their creations with the world. They do not want to be misunderstood, and fear others will misrepresent them or reflect back something hideous to them they did not intend—a shallow interpretation of what they spent so long cultivating. They suffer from a lack of action; 4 over-edits and over-refines, constantly thinking about how to make something more ‘me’ while ruthlessly rejecting everything that cannot be altered to be more ‘me,’ and the 5 never feels quite ready—there is always one more book to read, more knowledge to find, something more to learn. Both numbers reject things too hard, thus painting themselves into a corner; 4s reject everything they hate, that seems too common, or is too popular, and 5s reject criticism and intrusions on their time and energy.
4w5s can become isolationists, known more for what they hate than what they love, always with their nose buried in a book. It’s not just knowledge for its own sake, however, it’s an escape from their frustration with the modern world and how it does not fit into their ideal, and a way to gain information to keep themselves safe. They are ruthlessly critical about anything that does not measure up to their standards, and push away from people more than they embrace them. 4w5s reject the idea that anyone will care about them, or that they need anyone to care about them; they assume they are unwanted and unwelcome, they will be misunderstood and unappreciated, and prematurely reject others by adopting the belief that they don’t need external support. They go at life alone, determined to exist as separate from others, and not ‘need’ the kind of love and support that others do. If they reject the outer world too hard, they can become literal hermits, who sit at home and create only for themselves, or who are oblivious that others exist.
There’s an inner tug in them between their over-amplification of feelings and a 5ish desire to be impartial and unaffected by emotion; 4w5s can be inwardly emotional but outwardly stoic, or sensitive in certain areas but not others, as led by their personal feelings (upset that the typeface on their novel cover is hideous, but not that their ex just left). They analyze things and re-think them endlessly rather than take action on them, or simply sit with their emotional reactions, without any need to act on them or solve the problem. There is a genuine fear of being called out for not knowing enough, or for not having prepared enough, so they turn over every stone in search of information. They can get so caught up in making their creative output “me” (an exhaustive process of editing and re-editing, in search of an ideal) and in never feeling like they know enough to finish it, that they produce very little—or become deeply resentful of jealous of other people who easily finish and share things. 4w5s can simultaneously burn up with jealousy toward them, and think of them as commercial sellouts. In this way, the 4w5 self-soothes that at least their unfinished novel is a work of well-researched genius, and that person’s twenty books will be forgotten in five years.
They fear the outer world encroaching upon them, and are stubborn about resisting it, by hording their time and diving into their interests. They spend years obsessed with the things that resonate with them, and feel no need or desire to share them. They believe they are right, and only listen to those whose opinion they respect.
The 4w5 wants to be known for uncovering the unknown, exposing the truth of things, and for their depth; they disdain things that are too happy, because their reactive tendency is to focus on what is wrong, broken, tarnished, or sick in the world, and there is no need to pull out of it. Happy endings may seem wrong to them, because it’s not reflective of the hardships of reality. They want to draw attention to the bad things and sit with the pain of it. Their aesthetic may be dark, twisted, or morbid; or garish and unsettling, because of their tendency to dig deep into what scares them. If others look away, the 4w5 will look harder and closer. Ugly is as important as beauty, because it is more “real.” They want the unvarnished reality of life, not the whitewashed version. A broken down building can be as meaningful to them as ‘high art.’ They may prefer ‘grunge’ or ‘decay’ to artifice or polish. Where the 4w3 cultivates their appearance, the 4w5 do the opposite as part of their rejection of worldly standards (makeup is not me, wearing nice clothes is not me, I will intentionally look messy, unsophisticated, etc., because I am more intellectual than physical).
4w5s think a great deal about the past, and are full of longing for what they perceive has never been theirs—if only they could live this year over again, have that person back in their life, have felt love and acceptance instead of rejection or shame… their life might be different. They orient toward what is missing and what is behind them as a strategy to avoid facing the present and mustering the energy to move into the future. For some 4w5s, this can manifest in a sense of taste drawn from what is gone; the life they wish they could live that can never be, an endless longing to be born in a different place or time (“If only I could have lived in the 1920s… they would have understood and appreciated me there”). By longing for what can never be, the 4w5 avoids the messiness of being involved in the world or involved with its people. They say no to whatever isn’t them but also that seems to require too much energy or time or risk, because they are fearful. They spin their wheels and over-think rather than take opportunities, hesitating and trying hard to make everything reflect their inner self. They need to be seen as intelligent and unique, and may paint themselves into a corner by having rejected too much and not having any options left.
4w5s struggle within relationships because they are self-centered; their emotions are intense, inflated, and ever-present, but there is a 5ish ‘exhaustion’ in them at the idea of dealing with other people’s feelings. They seem cold, withdrawn, or distant in how they withdraw from others, shut them out to solve their own problems, or choose to analyze the situation rather than pay attention to the other person’s needs. Other people can seem too loud, intrusive, needy, demanding, or emotional for their taste.
4w5s trust themselves to know what to do, and what is of value to them, and may not take the chance for success out of a combined belief that it will “ruin” their handiwork, or because of a secret fear they are not ready and success will demand too much of their time and energy. They may have to come out of hiding and step into the spotlight, even though they prefer to be seen as the mysterious outsider.
Character Example: Mary Shelley of the same-titled film explores the deep emotional mindset and personal trials of a 4w5. A girl who strives in all ways to live according to her authentic principles, Mary rejects her father’s moral standards and becomes the mistress of the man she loves, Percy Shelley the poet. Caught up in a whirlwind life of excesses in the company of such notorious individuals as Lord Byron, Mary constantly struggles against her feelings of brokenness and abandonment that stem from her mother’s death in her childhood, her father’s neglect and emotional preoccupation (and rejection of her for her choice to live with a married man), and the own tragic loss of her child as the result of her husband’s irresponsible behavior. She takes all of her hurt and pain and crafts it into an exquisitely personal novel, Frankenstein—in which she is the Creature, broken, misshapen, a victim of those who Created her (her father and Percy) and then neglected to founder about in the world in abject misery. The deep personal nature of her experience and the dark, morbid art she transformed it into, makes her a best-selling author whose literary fame outshines even that of her eventual husband.
Social variants determine how we respond to the world and where our major priorities in life lie. Attentiveness to bonding, social responsibilities, and how we ‘appear’ to others is in the realm of social (soc). Survival, fulfilling all of one’s needs, and a focus on ensuring one always has enough resources for a comfortable life is self-preservation (sp). Sexual displays, competing for attention, being like a moth to a flame in your pursuit of another person, or competing for a mate falls under the realm of sexual (sx). Read through each to determine which resonates the most with you.
Self-Preservation Fours strive to experience Essential Depth through their lifestyle, creativity, and self-expression. They usually require periodic bouts of solitude to be immersed in their creative projects, but they struggle with finding a lifestyle that is congruent with their needs and inner experience.
The Self-Preservation Instinct results in an insular, highly sensual, and tactile Type Four. They’re especially sensitive to matters of aesthetics and ambiance, and their preferences of environment and home are reflections of their idiosyncratic personalities, having more to do with emotional resonance than comfort.
Self-Preservation Fours are looking for their home, work, and overall lifestyle to be as close an expression of and congruent with their subjective experiences as possible. Their lifestyle and environment should be a container for their self-discovery, aesthetically evocative of what draws them inward while being sheltered from outside intrusion. In this type, Envy lends itself both to a struggle with feeling functional and capable and, more centrally, to a frustration that the overall picture of one’s lifestyle doesn’t accord with an idealized self-image. They can become so myopically devoted to forging a personalized and individualistic path that they fail to develop practical and interpersonal skills or make certain compromises which may help them achieve their aim.
When imbalanced, Self-Preservation Fours can “paint themselves into a corner,” limiting their possibilities and opportunities for growth by rejecting all that doesn’t accord with their self-image and abhorring anything that limits their creativity. People of this type can have an indulgent streak, especially when it comes to spending beyond their means to acquire objects of beauty or to pursue situations, travels, or opportunities that speak to them. This can be a strength—a devotion to feed their inner life—or a way they shoot themselves in the foot. They are often tenuously balancing between financial security and collapse. Emotional states and self-comforting are modified through indulgence in excessive eating, drinking, sex, and carelessness. Unhealthy Self-Preservation Fours are prone to masochistically acting out against themselves physically, by going without food, sleeping in bizarre places, and even self-injury.
Character Example: In the third and fourth seasons of The Crown, an example of a self-preservation 4 comes to the forefront in Prince Charles. A man of deep unhappiness in his current circumstances, unable to marry the woman he loves because she married another man and unwilling to fake any emotion he does not feel for Diana, Charles turns all of his attention instead to his dietary restrictions and his desire to make his castle beautiful. He spends much of his time planning the house and grounds, making it “an external embodiment” of his personality and his soul. He sees it as an outward reflection of his inner self. He wants its grounds wild and to seem untamed and unplanned in their careful structure, for he “hates straight lines” (a reflection of his loathing for his family). Charles at first plays to the desired role of a husband, but then becomes increasingly pursuing of his own happiness at the cost of his reputation. He continues to see his mistress in private, as a way to self-soothe himself. His family and mistress make wisecracks about his ultra-picky eating habits (Camilla says she took him to a restaurant, and “he loathed it… in part because they sent out his dish without egg sprinkled on it… don’t you know, he eats egg with everything now?”). His tastes and opinions shape all his reactions, from his disdain for a “common” dance his wife performs for him in public, to his pickiness about his rooms. Charles wants his life organized the way he likes it, for his food to taste the way he wants it to, and to make his home his castle.
The Social 4
Social Fours are looking to experience Essential Depth in their relationships, creative offerings, and social roles. Social Fours combine an appreciation for depth and authenticity with an interest in other people, lending to deeply personal self-revelation in their artwork, interests, and general self-expression. These Fours can adapt themselves to Social situations with greater ease than other Fours, yet they still need to maintain a sense of being different from others in some remarkable way.
The Four’s desire to be a unique individual comes into tension with the Social Drive’s need to be available for connection, so in Social Four, there’s a special effort to embody and share a deeper view of life in a way that is comprehensible and useful to others without compromising their personal vision. Whereas the Social Drive generally wants to find “common ground” with others, Social Fours crave connection while feeling uneasy about that which is “common,” so they seek to cultivate extraordinary connections with a select few. People of this type are usually not “people persons.” They are likely to fantasize that a social group, friend, or lover who will see who they “really” are is elsewhere, often ignoring the love and acceptance that’s already present for them in the relationships at hand.
Social Fours feel that their differences and unique perspective is a strength, one they long to be recognized for, and at the same time, Envy often brings their inadequacies into extreme focus, making them self-conscious and feeling unable to connect, comparing themselves to how they could be if only they had some other characteristic or quality. They can adopt an exotic, mysterious, or sophisticated persona. They can identify with being an outsider and appreciate the mystique that affords while also longing to be among a more elite, studied, or chosen circle.
When feeling slighted or unacknowledged, Social Fours are prone to adopt an arrogant, elite attitude. Distressed Social Fours can make dramatic public displays of their anger, with accusations of betrayal and cutting criticisms. They can easily feel humiliated, leading to exaggerated motivations for revenge and seriously undermining others for perceived slights, and they can become so focused on their own pain as a justification for their behavior that they fail to see the extent of their impact.
Character Example: In Titanic, Rose appears to have it all. She has a fiancé who can afford to take them on the most expensive, most glamorous ship in the world, who lavishes diamonds upon her, and wants to cater to all her whims… but she is miserable. The ship does not impress her, but the paintings she bought in Paris that Cal disdains are a symbol of her higher aesthetic taste (“The difference between Cal’s taste in art and mine is that I have some”). While mostly appropriate in public and even willing to suppress some of her unhappiness for appearance’s sake, she channels her unhappiness into subtle rebellions (“Rose chose lavender for her bridesmaid dresses… she knows I detest lavender…”) hoping someone, anyone will see her and care about her suffering and unhappiness. (“All around me were people… no one who cared…”) She tries to throw herself overboard—only for Jack to save her “in all the ways a woman can be saved.” At first, Rose isn’t sure she wants others to see her with Jack—it doesn’t look “proper” in other people’s eyes. He should remember his class and not ask impertinent questions. They should not be spitting in public. In all ways, she tries to be polite and appropriate according to social structures… until she grows tired of it. She cannot stand being fake one more minute. And that’s that. Years later, rather than living in the present, she is still pining and longing for the man who died in the sea. The one who saved her and gave her life meaning… and then left her forever.
The Sexual 4
Sexual Fours long to experience Essential Depth in their relationships, creativity, and intense experiences. They are prone to demonstrating their creativity and depth as a means to entice and sexually attract, and they can fetishize emotional, intellectual, or spiritual depth, imbuing it with an erotic mystique and deep contempt for the mundane.
Both Type Four and the Sexual Drive emphasize characteristics that distinguish oneself from others; compounded, Sexual Fours cultivate identities that are hyper-specific and elaborate. This hyper-specificity aims to be very attractive to a few and to repel those deemed too “banal” to appreciate their unique flavor. They want to be uninhibited in pursuing attractions, so they’re typically resistant to structure, confining jobs, and adherence to routines. There is often a struggle to sustain themselves practically.
Envy lends itself to chronic doubts about attractiveness and the ability to keep those they wish to attract interested in them. Hypersensitivity to their partner’s perceived level of attraction generates great distress if there are any lulls or mellow periods, so Sexual Fours tend to be sexually competitive—they feel they can’t be magnetic enough, and therefore are always trying to shore up their display of talents while never feeling adequate. They may feel the need to be the greatest love of the partner they’re with or, at least, the most impactful and unique one. Envy also creates an excessive focus on perceived personal defects, which a Four will inevitably find, that disqualifies them from having and keeping the person they want.
This can lend to Sexual Fours testing their partners and desired objects in various ways: possessiveness, suspicion, or causing fights to feel “entangled.” They’re prone to acting out stormy swings between idealization and disillusionment, extremes of love and hatred. Sexual Fours can play out a pattern of frustration with their loved ones, wanting their loved ones to be everything for them and rejecting them when their partner is unable to meet unrealistically high expectations.
Disintegrating Sexual Fours are prone to self-harm, emotional abusiveness, and physical violence toward themselves and their partners, acting out intense hatred and possessiveness toward their partner and adopting a reckless, “burn it all down” approach.
Character Example: Kylo Ren/Ben Solo in the new Star Wars trilogy thinks he has suffered more than most people suffer. His dad was never around, her position as a General in the Rebellion preoccupied his mother, and his uncle tried to kill him. Misunderstood and confused, he creates his own persona—and forces himself into a shape that does not entirely fit him. By Yoda, he is going to make it work. He WILL be Kylo Ren. He WILL master his explosive emotions. He WILL do this on his own, be the person he has decided to be, even if everyone argues against it, and he will change for no one. And then… he sees Rey. A fusion happens between them, a fanatical obsession with the girl he thinks can save him, can rule by his side over those who do not understand their suffering, their abandonment, their specialness. She is like him. She has known pain. Fear. Trials. He would burn heaven and earth to convince her to be with him. They fight each other. Challenge each other. Feel pulled toward each other. He stives to become powerful to attract her. And a miraculous thing happens. Rey heals him. She saves him from death. Ben abandons his crafted image, his fake self, and becomes the Real One. A man no longer ashamed of his past, of his mistakes, no longer willing to wallow in them, but who will move forward and make the ultimate sacrifice, to give his life force to Rey so she might live. He can do nothing else. She is “his” in his mind. And he finally knows how to love her… by thinking of someone other than himself.
Spiritual Growth Suggestions
As 4s work on themselves and become more self-aware, they learn to avoid the trap of seeking but blocking love to prove their worth by seeing what is good in themselves and not just what’s missing, taking the risk to believe in their own lovability, and opening up to receive the love and longing they long for.
Notice when you are…
Holding onto a strong belief in your own deficiency so that you close yourself off from others in the expectation of abandonment. Observe your tendency to engage in intense self-criticism and self-loathing. What kinds of thoughts and beliefs do you have about yourself? What negative things do you tell yourself about yourself on a regular basis? Notice when you do it, what it looks like, and how and when it happens. Observe how you focus on your flaws and devalue or dismiss compliments or positive feedback. Recognize how you generate negative feelings about yourself based on your negative self-opinion, and if you see yourself as special or unique or superior as a way of defensively compensating for your inner inadequacy.
Distracting yourself in various ways from your own growth and expansion through your attachment to various emotions. Observe how you create suffering for yourself through negative thoughts about yourself and dwell in that suffering to distract yourself from taking action to address the causes of suffering. Notice if you use depression as a defense, by focusing on the hopelessness of things to avoid deeper kinds of pain or won’t do anything to generate a more hopeful outlook. What are you avoiding when you get attached to your sadness? Notice if you are making bigger your emotions or causing drama to avoid inner emptiness or avoid the realities of your life.
Focusing on what’s missing, so nothing ever measures up and nothing can be taken in. Observe how your focus goes to what’s missing in any situation. Notice if this helps you improve things or is an excuse to dismiss or devalue what’s happening to avoid constructively engaging with reality. Observe how you apply this to people, distancing yourself or thwarting potential connections by focusing on other’s flaws. Notice if you get stuck in ambivalence by only seeing what isn’t good enough. Do you focus on the past to avoid the present? Do you push and pull in relationships? Why? Do you fixate on what’s missing and “throw the baby out with the bathwater”?
Questions to ask yourself:
- How and why did these patterns develop?
- What emotions are these patterns designed to protect me from?
- Why am I doing this?
- How are these patterns operating in me?
- What are my blind spots, because of these patterns?
- What do they keep me from seeing?
- What are the consequences of continuing to be this way?
- How do my coping mechanisms trap me?
To counter-act holding onto a strong belief in your own deficiency so that you close yourself off from others in the expectation of abandonment.
- Challenge your unwavering belief in your inferiority. Only becoming aware of your vicious cycle of envy, need, shame, and inferiority will help you step out of those patterns that become self-reinforcing and self-frustrating. Realize and embrace the truth of your own goodness and lovability. Notice your self-negativity, challenge it, and recognize that it is false. Consciously compare your belief in your own deficiency with the evidence available, and challenge yourself to consider the positive evidence. Realize the falsity of the belief and expand your view of yourself to include your real value. Challenge your shame by focusing on all the ways you are good.
- Actively work to reverse your self-debasing tendencies through efforts at self-love. Learn to accept yourself and not beat yourself up for your “deficiencies.” Learn to find the love and acceptance you crave within yourself, learn to appreciate who you really are, and let go of your constant need to focus on the ways you are unworthy or bad. If you do not love yourself, you will block yourself from love. This is what keeps your defensive cycle going. Notice and embrace all the positive things about yourself. Catch yourself being harsh to yourself and stop it.
- Recognize envy, competition, and masochistic behavior as danger signs. Notice if you compare yourself negatively to others and strive to prove yourself, wallow in feelings of inadequacy, or get aggressively competitive. See these behaviors as the hallmark of excessive self-judgment and self-debasement and realize the cure for these feelings is self-love and self-acceptance. Notice when you’re engaging in these behaviors based on an assumption of your inadequacy—and actively work to appreciate and care for yourself. Consciously shift your attention and behaviors.
To counter-act distracting yourself in various ways from your own growth and expansion through your attachment to various emotions.
- Observe and accept your emotions instead of over-identifying with them. Consciously identify and accept your emotions without becoming attached to, or over-identified with certain ones. Notice when you get stuck in certain emotions, especially regret, sadness, or hopelessness. Recognize how this might be avoiding moving through and mourning real losses and getting to the other side. Allow yourself to have feelings, move through them, listen to what they tell you, and then let them go. Recognize how getting lost in your feelings protects you from taking action or reaching out in productive ways to actually get what you need. Make the choice to let them go, when you’ve felt them sufficiently. Shifting your attention from feelings to thinking or taking action will help you avoid fixating on them in unproductive ways.
- Notice and work against your desire to create intensity and drama. Notice if you are making things bigger to avoid specific experiences (boredom or emptiness) and challenge yourself to value the “here and now” even if it feels uninteresting. Allow yourself to be with any emotions you are experiencing, rather than distracting yourself with “drama.” Consciously focus on what is good and pleasurable in the here and now, and by working your way through any painful feelings you have been avoiding.
- Learn to see your suffering, hopelessness, and longing as a defense against living and opening up to possibilities. Notice if you are taking comfort in “familiar” feelings of hopelessness, disappointment, and longing. Is it an addiction for you? You must learn to see that these feelings hold you back from getting the love and appreciation you crave. Remind yourself it’s just as possible to focus on hope as hopelessness, or on what makes you happy instead of what makes you suffer. Shift your focus to all the love and possibilities for connection that will be open to you if you let go of your negativity and see the positive potential in your environment.
To counter-act focusing on what’s missing, so nothing ever measures up and nothing can be taken in.
- Align your desires with what’s possible. Waiting for perfection or having unrealistic expectations are defense mechanisms against opening up to getting the love you want. Notice when you do the latter to defend against disappointment. Experiment with moderating your expectations and requests. Notice if you avoid accepting something good because you’re busy finding fault with it. Challenge yourself to see all the things that could be satisfying and “good enough.”
- Apply your idealism to seeing the worth inherent in yourself and others. Instead of imagining what you want is only available through the attainment of some distant ideal, become more aware of the worth of yourself and those around you. Focus on their positive aspects. If you see what’s good and ideal in everything and everyone, even the everyday, you can identify and receive the gifts of even “mundane” experiences.
- Actively shift your attention to see the positive. Make it a constant practice to see the positive in everything—in yourself, in others, in life. When you catch yourself focusing on a lack of justifying your frustration, make a list of all the good things that are happening and support yourself in embracing and moving toward those things. Have the courage to shift your attention to what’s possible instead of dwelling on what’s impossible.
Using your integration and disintegration numbers for self-growth:
Move to 2 by allowing for a balance between self-referencing and other-referencing, between meeting your own needs and those of others, and between being your authentic self and adapting to other people. Moving to 2 can bring you out of your self-absorption, intense feelings and isolation, find creative ways to express who you really are, and open yourself up to connecting with others. It makes you more sensitive to others’ needs, able to see what’s possible in a relationship, and manage your feelings and needs in light of others’ feelings and needs. Be more adaptable and supportive of others in a way that enlarges their value and worth. Reach out more to nurture others, instead of using their fault as a reason to complain about them. Consciously embodying an attitude of service can bring about your optimism, generosity, and cheerfulness. This will help you work against your self-deprecating tendencies.
Move to 1 by using self-evaluation, self-discipline, and structure to support yourself instead of punishing or devaluing yourself. Learn to enact practical ideals and a belief in your ability to control what happens through your hard work. Take action to manifest your ideas. Choosing to be more direct and perfectionistic in your work can give you a sense of control and accomplishment. In working hard to support or improve others or themselves, you can feel more powerful and confident.
Sources: Richard Rohr, The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective, Claudio Naranjo: Character and Neurosis, Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson, The Wisdom of the Enneagram, Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge; The Instinctual Drives and the Enneagram by John Luckovich. Sections quoted or paraphrased. Please purchase the original books for more information.