7: The Need to Avoid Pain

7s shine with optimism and joy and want to find the miraculous in every moment. In their childlike astonishment and delight in life, they experience life as a gift to savor and experience. Full of idealism and plans, they often infect others with their tremendous enthusiasm. They are good at helping others see and appreciate the “sunny side” of life. These cheerful people are funny, imaginative, playful, and charming—all to protect themselves from anxiety and pain.

They build their entire mental structure around dealing with fear by cognitively pain, anxiety, and sadness, and replacing it with pleasurable experiences. They have lots of wants and it’s difficult for them to accept that they may not get those wants fulfilled, which makes them seem unrealistic or idealistic. They are always looking for a shortcut to skip the hard stuff or distracting themselves from their chronic disappointment in not getting everything they want. Though often smart, they skim-read and overestimate what they know, since they find detailed learning tedious and “not fun.” They will work for what they want, but don’t feel a superego response to be “responsible.” They are the quintessential Peter Pan archetype, the child who never wants to grow up, but remain a fun-loving, pleasure-seeking idealist forever.

Whenever a 7 faces anything hard, they repress or whitewash it. They may paint their experiences positively even if they are anything but and turning traumatic or tragic situations into “life lessons.” Their mantra is you cannot let anything get you down! They are often inside their head, planning their lives so that every day will promise as much pleasure and as little pain as possible. This can be anything from self-rewarding behaviors for accomplishing tasks to cramming their schedule to overflowing and not wanting to miss a single opportunity, even if it squeezes their bank account or leaves them no down time. Given the choice, many 7s embrace an idealistic mindset that everything is beautiful. Life is a Disneyland full of surprises and miracles.

Other types may find them ungrounded and unrealistic, since they know that life isn’t all sunshine, rainbows, funny, or easy. 7s also use their natural curiosity to distract themselves from reality. What they know, own, or have experienced is never enough. They need change, stimulation, new experiences, and fill their calendar with as many exciting future dates as possible. They will ignore, postpone, and avoid unpleasant tasks, and then reward themselves for doing it, if they cannot escape it (if I have to get the oil changed, at least it’s not too far to the store where I can buy myself that new ___). They are adrenaline addicts and don’t notice the enormous lengths they go to, to avoid being alone with their own soul.

They are generalists of the highest degree, because nothing ever holds their attention for very long. They always want to leave all their opportunities open and avoid committing themselves too much to a person, situation, or job. The depth of involvement means that at some point, this person could hurt you—and they want to avoid that at all costs. And if you are too devoted to anything, your own flaws often become visible, and that is also horrific. 7s are natural born bluffers and can often masterfully convince others they know far more about something than is accurate to their skill set. They struggle to stay in a career and may have a variety of jobs, hobbies, or interests all at once, flitting back and forth between them like a butterfly in a flower bed. They often lose interest in things and abandon them half-completed, leaving a litany of “failed projects” in their wake. They detest having anyone dictate how they will spend their time, or forcing them to be somewhere on time, or preventing them from taking advantage of things as they arise, so many of them prefer to be their own boss or at least to have flexible responsibilities and hours. But they need to feel above all that they are contributing and bringing joy to others. The endless plaques, posters, and optimistic products on the market that encourage you to do everything from “do what makes you happy” to “never let a struggle get you down” were likely penned by 7s.

Because their entire life revolves around making sure they miss out on nothing, 7s will not face up to their tendency to hurt other people in their endless quest for self-satisfaction. They may deny or repress that realization, or use rationalize it away through turning guilt into positivity. A 7 can rationalize away almost anything in their tendency to find a positive thought to insert into the situation to avoid pain, unhappiness, disappointment, etc. (“I’m sorry Grandma is dead… but she had a good long life and accomplished many things.” “I don’t understand why this relationship failed… but it leaves me free to meet someone even better!” “I did not feel miserable when I cried; those were tears of joy!”)

Rather than feel pain, they shift it. Give it a new name. Walk away from it. Where 6s produce horror and trepidation in their minds, 7s produce joy and happiness. They can live for years without facing the dark side of life and will label others who seem to be “preoccupied” with it as “downers,” “pessimists,” or “always looking for the bad.” They take a long time to see the negative in others, in their relationships, or in themselves. Their desire to want everything to be beautiful, good, and magical gives them an exaggerate positive self-view. This can lead to denial of ever making mistakes, doing anything wrong, and quarrelsomeness when you point out their flaws. They will wriggle, squirm, and deny it all, because it doesn’t fit their idealized self-perspective.

They have a simple want in life: to avoid pain and be cheerful instead of sad. They are notorious optimists who cannot deal with emotional problems, their own or other people’s. They find it almost impossible to tolerate the pain and suffering of others, but are also unhappy when others are unhappy. They want “happy people” and “good vibrations” around them at all times. They will shoot down any negativity and turn surly when dealing with other types who are more prone to pessimism. If things get too deep or too sad, the 7 dismisses the problem, rushes through the conversation (“I’m sure you’ll be all right in no time!”), and reassures them it will all turn out fine.

The 7 sometimes knows that their cheerfulness is fake, but they will smile anyway to conceal their great sadness. They long for someone to see their pain and take it seriously, but their lack of depth in favor of superficial delight can cause others to assume they never need emotional support, because the 7 draws no attention to anything negative or sad. They will compensate through “more”—more eating, more drinking, more shopping, more trips, more luxuries, more self-pampering, more recognition.

They have the gift of seeing the comedic side of things more quickly than the other types. They are good at seeing where you can have fun, where there’s something to laugh about, and how you can have a tremendous time. They do “everything too much,” which means they can be chatterboxes. They have to work at it to become sober. They never understand that less is more, because to them, more is always better. They love anything that takes them out of the present, which they always find unpleasant. They hope that somewhere else, they will find more happiness, rather than the disappointing present.

The 7 often struggles with their weight and they hate diets because it’s connected to “suffering” through deprivation. They store up joy, because their greatest goal in life is happiness. 7s will try to eliminate fear and pain through rational arguments, even death. That’s why they hate funerals so much; it’s a reminder of mortality, of suffering, and ultimate “lack of being.” Some of them may reshape death to take the edge off it, or think about “life after death” as a paradise of endless pleasures without bills or weight gain.

If they encounter criticism or a challenge, the 7 will listen, push it aside with wit and humor, and ignore it. Any personal attack does hurt them, because it reminds them of what they fear: failure. To be “less than” their idealized self. The young 7 constantly plan fresh ways of optimizing their happiness and are terrific “planners” of events. If you want the most incredible wedding, birthday party, or bridal shower, a 7 abounds with creative ideas of how to make it fun for everyone.

The 7 must learn to become wise. To recognize that less is more, that there is nothing to fear in being alone with themselves. Too much planning and avoidance of life can become a habit, rather than each experience giving them genuine pleasure. It can run into addiction, with nothing ever satisfying them, because of all their over-indulgence. They need to learn to recognize their tendency to rationalize away things too quickly and avoid them. They can become dismissive or even mean to others whom they believe are “trying to ruin my mood.” It’s important for them to find a way to self-acceptance, to learn to embrace their dark side and their abundance of love, hope, and joy, and to find good things in the present, rather than fleeing into the future or the past. One thing that can help them accomplish this is to try doing something free of external distractions. To just sit in the sun and enjoy it rather than bringing along a noisy distraction. They can use meditation to confront the things they do not want to think about (this works, because it’s a “limited amount of time” to consider these things, and then the 7 can go back to their fun times). Though it is incredibly hard, the 7 needs to confront their pain fully, without diffusing it, ignoring it, or downplaying it through jokes. They need other types to walk beside them up this road and help them face it. 7s can benefit from training themselves to stick with things—their relationships, their work, their hobbies, their projects, so they have something to show for their time. They need to slow down, be quiet, and accept that part of life that is hard. Only then can they grow up and be wise and deep besides being playful and joyous. In depth, in learning to see the beauty in the pain and not to avoid it, the 7 can find the joy in all experiences, both wonderful and painful.

Gluttony, Fraudulence, and Narcissistic Personality

The gluttony of the 7 is a passion for pleasure and a deviation from their potential for self-actualization; the weakness for pleasure makes up a general susceptibility to temptation. 7s are “schemers” with an insatiable thirst for “more.” The 7 approaches the world through the strategy of words and “good reasons” for their pursuits; they manipulate, through the intellect, others and themselves. They are dreamers who take their dreams as reality. They are charlatans in their expressiveness, being natural persuaders, and manipulators of words, and deviously overstepping the boundaries of their knowledge.

7s are not seekers of more of the same, but (romantically) seekers of the remote and the bizarre, variety, adventure, and surprise. 7s are sensitive, highly influenced by the outer world, and inclined to self-analysis, with occasional bouts of sadness and irritation. They are easily sated and quickly bored with things, restless and novelty-seeking. They fear punishment and suffer from an “excess of optimism” that goes undaunted and untouched by reality; they are generous, bright, and sociable, with easy accessibility to new ideas and ambitions, along with cheerful expectations.

Besides their permanent longing to get everything, 7s have an obstinate urge to talk at length, connected to their feeling of overflowing excitement. They value what they say and have an inexhaustible resource of thoughts to share. 7s are independent and not easily overawed, full of personality, and a strong arm for others to lean upon. They are eager for leadership.

7s share a few narcissistic traits in their self-assured social behavior, and untroubled and self-satisfied air, which others may see as immodest, presumptuous, pretentious, haughty, or arrogant. These 7s can be self-centered, exploitive of others, and take them for granted, expecting others to serve them without giving much in return. The 7 values their feelings of superiority, but hide or repress any feelings of inferiority. Their behavior may be objectionable or even irrational, but the 7 will still believe themselves superior or extra special people who feel entitled to unusual rights and privileges. This is so fixed in their minds, the 7 rarely questions its validity. They view anyone who cannot respect them with conceit and scorn.

7s place few limits on their fantasies or rationalizations and lets their imagination run free of the constraints of reality or the view of others. They exaggerate their powers and freely transform failures into successes, indulge in lengthy and intricate rationalizations for their selfish behaviors to inflate their self worth or justify what they feel is their due, quickly depreciating those who refuse to accept or enhance their self-image. Their focus on their optimistic imaginations makes them fanciful, believing themselves “okay” and in a constant state of positive well-being. They are cheerful and carefree. If anyone bursts this balloon, the 7 becomes irritable, followed by bouts of dejection, humiliation, and inner emptiness.

7s possess high expectations and encouragements. They trust others and feel confident of positive outcomes. They may view the routine demands of daily life as demeaning or annoying chores, because they intrude upon the 7’s illusion of self as almost godlike. They easily muster reasons to avoid ‘pedestrian’ tasks. They risk believing whatever they believe must be true, and what they wish must be right. 7s are talented in rationalizing their social inconsiderateness, but because they reflect so little on what others think, their defensive maneuvers are transparent to others. Waiting for anything for a 7 is abhorrent, and they freely give in to their impulses, followed by refusing to take responsibility for their actions and rationalizations of ‘how it happened.’

7s have a keen awareness of anything new and in the making, and are always seeking new possibilities. They feel suffocated in stable conditions. The 7 seizes on new objects or situations with great intensity and tremendous enthusiasm, only to abandon it cold-bloodedly. They may fritter away their life on things and people, staying nowhere long enough to create an abundance upon which they can live. The 7 is forever seeking strategies and tactics that will pay off. They may assume they know everything and do everything well, while in fact being lazy, confusing, and negligent. They cast an illusion of superior intelligence with systems, techniques, synthesis, inventions, exuberant but erroneous theological imagination… all beautifully illustrated frauds. Some 7s show a total lack of interest in material things or financial matters. They are not slow, but their heads are so far in the clouds, thoughts engross them while reality passes by unobserved. Some 7s are visible opportunists, others hide self-interest behind friendliness, and some are dreamers not of this world.

Identifiable Traits:

Gluttony: they are more than just open-minded, but probing. 7s experience takes them from an insufficient here to a promising there. They hide their frustration with life behind enthusiasm and bury it out of their consciousness. They are ‘gluttons’ for that which is remarkable or extraordinary, magical or mysterious. They are anti-conventional and idealistic, possessing a progressive outlook.

Hedonistic Permissiveness: 7s avoid suffering and embrace hedonism. They are permissive and self-indulgent. They have a laissez-faire attitude toward others, and may collaborate with them in pushing them toward their vices. They possess a spoiled attitude of entitlement to gratification and have a “playboy” attitude toward life. They turn to hedonism and self-indulgence to avoid their pain; their optimism is to make themselves and everyone else okay, and the entire world is a good place to live in. In the eyes of a 7, the world is a place of no good or evil, nor guilt, no should, no duties, and no need to make any efforts—for it is enough to enjoy.

Rebelliousness: you need rebelliousness to be self-indulgent. The 7 often finds a humorous side to conventional prejudices. They pair anti-conventional attitudes with intellectual rebellion and behavioral compliance. This makes them the idealists of revolutions, not their activists. They have a diplomatic rather than oppositional regard for authority, preferring a psychological environment and an equalitarian approach to others. 7s don’t take authority too seriously, nor present themselves as authorities to others, except to impress beneath a veil of modesty.

Lack of Discipline: 7s pair this with instability and a lack of commitment. They are undisciplined because they are not interested in postponing pleasure and perceive self-denial as loveless-ness.

Imaginary Wish-Fulfillment: they cling to fantasy and plans in a dull and frustrating world. To escape the harsh realities of life, the 7 embraces future potential and lives imaginatively in them rather than in reality.

Seductively Pleasing: the 7 experiences love through pleasure and enjoy fulfilling others’ pleasure-needs as a method of seduction. They please through helpfulness and a problem-free, cheerful contentedness. They are warm, helpful, friendly, obliging, selflessly ready to serve, and generous. They are excellent hosts and big spenders, buying love rather than truly giving it. But this ‘giving’ includes a catch; they are exploiters who feel entitled to care and affection in return. 7s are entertaining and humorous. They are good at making others feel light-hearted in their presence. Because this makes the 7 feel good, they may compulsively be the happiness ringleader. They do this by repressing and avoiding pain and unpleasant experiences and bury their anxiety.

Narcissism: the 7 is an exhibitionist who considers themselves well-informed and intellectually superior. This can mean a compulsion to explain things. The 7 may adopt a saintly image, even while asserting their superiority, wisdom, and kindness. They mask this attitude by a non-assuming, appreciative, and equalitarian style. Secretly, however, the 7 may feel inferior and insecure. To combat this, the 7 clings to the grandiose self, rather than the less desirable truth. 7s are witty and charming, using the latter to seduce others and ensure they get what they want.

Persuasive: in order to pleasure-seek, the 7 must become a skillful explainer and good at rationalizations for their behaviors. They will use any excuse to avoid taking unpleasant responsibility or admitting their flaws. They convince themselves of their own wisdom, superiority, respectability, and goodness of intentions. Being pleasing to others serves their persuasion skills. They like to influence others through advice. They find satisfaction in being helpful. They are highly intelligent, loquacious, and good at ‘suggesting’ to others.

Fraudulence: the 7 may confuse reality with imagination, projects and accomplishments, potentialities and realizations. They are pleasing but primarily takers; they hide anxiety and aggression behind humor and self-indulgence; their generosity hides their exploitative nature.

Defense Mechanisms: Rationalization and denial. They learn early in life to excuse the indulgence of wants with “good reasons.” They invent a reason for an attitude or an action to which they do not acknowledge or admit their motives. It distracts them and the other person from the ‘real reason.’ In making their reasons good and noble, the 7 feeds the demands of the superego. The 7 denies guilt in favor of an idealized self, an idealized world, and an idealized existence. They suspend criticality and blaming for optimism and a belief there is no need to struggle. The 7 also uses the defense tactic of sublimation—or turning their mental energies toward their desired ends and re-labeling their self-interest as altruistic motivation. They substitute the impulses by images, plans, and their own resourcefulness for their actual goal.

7s have intellectual and spiritual interests along with social extroversion and an active, restless disposition. They are highly intuitive, with verbal tenacity, and are often mentally gifted.

What formed them: many 7s possessed idyllic or happy childhoods that came to an abrupt end through a ‘fall from paradise,’ either through loss, unpleasant circumstances, or a change of situation. The 7 child may have gone from a warm, loving environment into a harsh school full of bullies or unpleasantness and sought refuge from the outer world in a fantasy world. A too-strict parent might cause mild, witty, but rationalizing rebelliousness in the 7 child, who does what they like and refuses to apologize for it. Or there is another 7 in the household, to whom the 7 child clings and idealizes.

7s equate pleasure seeking with love; to them, love means the indulging of their wishes, and they attract love by being funny, clever, ingenious, or witty. The 7 substitutes pleasure for love, which is an obstacle towards them having a satisfying love life. Their gluttony is an attempt to fill their emptiness. They perceive that they lack ‘inside’ something that others possess, and turn to pleasure instead, the joys of ‘false abundance.’

The avoidance of pain and the confusion between love and pleasure leads the 7 to cannot bring about a deeper meaningfulness than what is currently available. Seeking only what is pleasing means the 7 struggles to find their own depth. Their manipulations divorce them from a sense of community and cannot mask their emptiness. Until the 7 learns to find value in the present, and in reality, they will continue to live in a futuristic fantasy world. In developing ‘staying power’ and understanding true love does not mean always surrendering to one’s impulses, the 7 will come to know the fullness of life, and find themselves.

Enneagram 7 Wings

7s present in two different ways based on the influence of their preferred wing. While it’s possible to have balanced wings, or no wing at all, most people can relate to the traits, fears and defense mechanisms of one wing in particular.

7w6: The Entertainer

7w6s are the type most often identified in longer descriptions of 7s, because of so much mental activity. Both the 7 and the 6 are constantly thinking, and together it makes for a “heady” type of energy directed at strategizing and problem-solving, looking ahead full of anticipation and excitement about all the wonderful things the 7w6 is going to do, while repressing any feelings of anxiety about their decision with forward movement and fun. 7w6s being core assertive types go directly toward what they want, but they also do not want to alienate those they care about, whom they see as part of their support system, so they will compromise and move toward people in order to get their needs met. There’s a desire to be fun and fun-loving, remaining positive even in the face of negativity and loss, but also a need for support, encouragement, and affirmation that they have done the right thing. They may leap feet-first into something—an idea, a business, or a relationship—and then second-guess it later, or question whether they made the right decision; but being deep into it, they will keep going. If it gets hard later, they can quit. They want to constantly have fun, meet challenges, and enjoy life to the fullest, but also find it hard to disappoint their authority figures or others in their life, to whom they feel obligated.

There’s a strong sense of “should” thinking in them that runs alongside their strategies about avoiding pain; for this reason, 7w6s are more tethered to their families and their duties or responsibilities than 7w8s. They feel more guilt about abandoning things, walking out on relationships, or giving up too soon, and may also feel a bit of shame about their unfinished projects (of which there are many). 7w6s take on things for a short time, until their interest wanes, and then move quickly onto something else; so much movement and generation of chaos in their life (there’s always something to rush toward, to plan, to anticipate, to look forward to, or to work toward) is to avoid their negative feelings, facing the hardships in their life, or the suffering that life provides. They won’t linger too long on misery or sadness, instead instantly re-framing it in a way that allows them to avoid feeling sad, responsible, or guilty—in a way that excites them; this isn’t just a business venture, it’s going to change their whole life! 7w6s are prone to exaggeration out of a desire to impress themselves and others, and to cover up feelings of inadequacy or fear. They can feel that they may have made the wrong decision and poll others for their thoughts, while being firmly insistent on doing what they want regardless of what others think. This bounces them between self-confidence (I can do anything) and self-doubt (but should I try or will I fail?). They are mostly optimistic, but can also be negative and skeptical, although they won’t stray too far into the latter. They trust by default, but also guard their time, resources, or freedom zealously; they will go along with people to keep their approval if they care about them (such as a young 7w6 resenting the rigidity of school, but doing it just to please their parents and avoid conflict at home). 7w6s care more about maintaining harmony in their home life or at work than 7w8s, because 6s need to feel safe in an environment. They need not to have people upset at them, which would mean being attacked or having their life made unpleasant—and they want to avoid anything unpleasant, difficult, or tedious. 7w6s are high energy, and go at things hard, but also want others to approve of their actions.

They struggle between positivity and negativity, but often feel that they “should” be bringing optimism, encouragement, and light to the person or situation. Their “should” thinking (the super-ego of the 6) comes in to support what their core self as a 7 wants, which is fun, movement, freedom, experiences, and living life to the fullest without allowing negativity to hold you back; so when the 7w6 spirals into negativity, criticism, or reactivity, their own “should” thinking causes them to change tracks. They “should” think about their loved one’s virtues instead of their flaws; they should not see them as a problem; they should be loyal within their relationships, etc. To combat this, 7w6s develop “magical thinking” or “shine up” things in order to remain attached to them. They may focus excessively on their partner’s positive attributes rather than the negative ones, and make them bigger and more impressive in their own mind (he/she is amazing and can do no wrong!). They may refuse to linger on the sad things in favor of an attitude of “all is permissible, and I will be supportive of it,” as a way to stay attached to others. Richard Rohr says in one of his books that a 7w6 he knew as a priest couldn’t stand to leave Good Friday on a negative note, so he played a Resurrection song at the end of the service; he didn’t want to dwell on Christ’s suffering or “send people away sad!” 7w6s need a happy ending to distract themselves from fears about the world being a hostile and dangerous place where bad things happen to them. They can be fun-loving but also suspicious. They also feel like they should be more dutiful, faithful, reliable, or “finish” what they start, even though it’s their natural instinct to abandon it once it loses its potential or becomes redundant or hard.

7w6s struggle between positivity (keeping things light, and seeing themselves as the heroes of their own stories) and a reactive wing that loudly draws attention to what is wrong; they can be melodramatic attention-seekers, using whatever happened that was bad as a way to get sympathy from others, without allowing it to make others think they cannot do things or are having a “bad life.” For example, a minor accident becomes a series of intense experiences (filtered through their natural tendency to make everything exciting) and drama, but it hasn’t stopped the 7w6 from working hard or staying busy (they get a concussion and are “batty,” but still show up to work on time, or still go on that vacation – it has “not slowed me down, are you kidding?”). If others meet their story with surprise or laments, the 7w6 re-frames instantly to avoid anyone thinking they are limited by it. They do not dwell in this except for drama’s sake, and then bounce back into a mentality of everything will turn out fine, it will all be okay, let’s have a good time. But their mind is always on the next thing—what they are doing after this. In that way, they remain continually frustrated and absent to the moment—they are living it, yes, but also thinking about what is around the corner, the next adventure, what they can plan to keep themselves distracted from the anxieties of today, which may include secret fears of not being good enough, or not being a good person, or failing at what they are doing, or not feeling adequate and wishing they had something to trust in outside of themselves. 7w6s, being assertive cores, trust themselves first, and doubt themselves second, but are always looking to create a support system of some kind; family or friends whom they can trust to have their back. They then become fiercely loyal to these people, aided by a process of wearing rose-colored glasses and choosing to focus on what is good, positive, and light about them. If they are wonderful people and mine to look after, the 7w6 can remain attached to them and devoted to them, outside of their own ambitions. They can “go home” at the end of their adventures and feel supported.

7w6s want two separate things—independence and freedom to sate their insatiable need for constant fun, activity, and movement, and a sense of stability and commitment within their relationships, which helps them to feel safe. 7w6s can be commitment-phobes as a result, until they feel truly accepted, seen, and unlimited and invited. They may dance in and out of things, feeling guilt for abandoning them, but also feeling scared of being trapped in a situation or a relationship that won’t allow them creative or literal freedoms. They can be bratty and assertive, but also secretly need the people whom they push back against’s support. 7w6s tend to rebel against authority figures, not wanting to be constrained, and reacting against them, but also feeling upset if this alienates them completely, because of a felt need for attachment. They feel fear regularly, but their defense mechanism is to run away and avoid the problem rather than facing it. They may get in the car and drive off from their responsibilities, seeing “flight” as an appropriate fear response, rather than dealing with hard things like death, loss, fighting, irreconcilable differences, or apologies.

They use mental intensity and staying constantly busy to distract themselves from their fears about the world and whether they can measure up to it. They boldly throw themselves into things, and then have fears and doubts later—is this person really as sincere as I thought? Should I trust them the way I do? They rarely can linger too long in the questioning, however, before they start naturally focusing once more on their good traits and ignoring any problems, or assuming that they will turn out fine later (sure, he’s a little controlling, but it’s not a problem; don’t be a negative Nancy about this, I’ve found a great guy!). They can float from movement and fun into double-checking, and being responsible and vigilant where it matters (usually, their job if they love it and their family). They feel torn between what they want, and what you want; what their expectations are for themselves, and what your expectations are for them.

Provided others allow them to have fun and go after what they want, 7w6s can be agreeable, willing to compromise, and care about building a secure environment for themselves and their loved ones to thrive in; they are family-oriented and protective of their own (this is going well for me, and I will share the bounty of it with my loved ones). They react to others’ bad situations by being a cheerleader and focusing on the positive, telling them that they are strong, driven, and wonderful people who can handle anything; when bad things happen, 7w6s find something positive to hang on to and share, out of a need to find a happy thing even in the midst of sorrows (sure, my son has to have chemotherapy, but the nurses in that place are amazing!).

7w6s have to be careful not to be too naïve and trusting, since they want people to be good and trustworthy; they can become attached to someone, and refuse to deal with or admit to the other person’s flaws, using re-framing (seeing a bad thing from a more positive angle), thus getting entangled into situations or relationships that are “bad” for them, and allowing their sense of duty or obligation to the other person to reinforce their refusal to see what’s wrong. They may also become attached to someone who fulfills their need for movement, fun, and pleasure, while allowing that to take them away from their true responsibilities in life, or to pull them off their chosen path. It’s easy for them to make decisions, but hard for them to overcome their own fears of loss or pain with truly productive thinking, when their default is to change negatives into positives or get on the bus and leave in search of something easier with less emotional baggage.

Character Example: Love her and find her hilarious, or hate her and find her selfish and immature, you never forget Lorelai Gilmore of Gilmore Girls. Full of comedic wit, a mouth and a brain that moves at a trillion miles an hour, always with a ready excuse, and never one to commit to anything difficult, despite raising a sixteen-year-old daughter, Lorelai charges through life like a teenager—full of wonder and creativity. She will wake up Rory to tell her a funny story about the night she was born (“it felt like sitting on a keg of dynamite”). She will rationalize away the awful living conditions of being a single mom at sixteen years old (when the “shack” behind the inn they lived in horrifies her mother, Lorelai angrily tells her it was “great”!). Lorelai has a habit of running away whenever anything gets too serious, she feels too much, or she gets scared. She hops in her Jeep and takes a two-week vacation to avoid cleaning up the aftermath of a canceled wedding. She breaks up with a professor after she thinks Rory is getting too attached to him, which is really just Lorelai freaking out about possible commitment and heartache. Anxiety about bad things happening to the ones she loves often preoccupies her thoughts. She even projects negative things onto the boys Rory dates that she does not like. But throughout it all, she remains optimistic, cheerful, and determined not to keep any food in the house, because ordering pizza, eating pop tarts, and crashing her daughter’s study dates are way more fun.

7w8: The Realist

7w8s are the more assertive, openly combative, and risk-taking 7s. There is a lot less concern for how others are reacting to them, a lot less of a need for external approval, and a lot more “bratty” energy in them than in the 7w6, which is more accommodating and appeasing. 7w8s are unapologetic about pursing what they want, and feel entitled to take it, through their double-assertive energy. The world is theirs for the taking and they intend to get whatever gives them pleasure. They back up their right to have fun and get things by using power as a pressure point—leaning against people and things to force a situation to yield to them. They are provocative and bold, and do not mind confrontations; they bring a sense of solid bodily energy to a situation, which is very different from the 7w6’s “head energy.” 7w8s seem more like a solid wall, aware of what they want and not inclined to second guess it; they know what they crave and identify who stands in their way, and move toward it. 7w8s have no trouble standing up for themselves or challenging authority, because they know who they can push and who they can’t push. Their 8 wing gives them a natural ability to sense who has the power in any given situation, and they often angle for it, as a way to keep things clear for themselves. They possess strong boundaries and regularly assert them; in an argument, the 7w8 becomes loud, bossy, pushy, and angry. They do not see what they want as wrong, or their anger as bad; it is what it is, and it gets them what they want. 7w8s are not likely to stick around when they get tired of things, because of their desperate need for “more” – more of what life has to offer, more experiences, more fun, more pleasure, more experimentation. They are mostly concerned with protecting themselves, seeming strong, and not being messed with, so that they can do whatever they want without anyone getting in their way. They think about what they want out of life, and how to get it, then use the force, aggression, and boundless energy of their 8 wing to make it happen. 7w8s do not doubt themselves; they push through their fear and ignore it or see it as something that makes them more powerful, because they don’t hesitate where other people (‘cowards’) do.

The ‘lust’ of the 8 is for intensity of experiences, and a lack of concern about the collateral damage; this makes 7w8s hedonistic in their pursuit of pleasure. They are rebellious and hate to be controlled; they provoke just to create a stir and express themselves; and they find people who ‘restrain’ themselves to be crippled or hampered from the fulfillment of their desires. They see super-ego types, especially, as stick in the muds, because they feel entitled to take what they want. 7w8s can get caught up in a life full of exciting but shallow experiences, while amplifying their inner toughness and seeing themselves as invulnerable. They deal with life’s unpleasantness by getting bigger, louder, and more assertive—they meet other people’s energy with their own. They are also the 7 most in combat with themselves in terms of being positive and negative. 7s want to ignore what’s hard and focus on what’s good in the world, in those they love, and in themselves; 8s want to be objective and see the brutal reality of things. As a result, the 7w8 is positive up to a point, but then becomes negative and amplifies “problems” as something to react against, using their show of strength to bolster their 7ish positive sense of themselves (“look how powerful and strong I am, compared to others who are weak!”). For example, Elizabeth Taylor famously stood up to a movie producer as a teenage girl; she told him off for yelling at her mother, and angrily informed him she would never work for him again; she often referenced this, in contrast to Judy Garland, with a sense of pride in that while Judy went along with and did whatever the studio told her to do (“stay thin”), Elizabeth did as she pleased. Her fights with her husband Richard Burton often involved them destroying hotel rooms, screaming, and throwing things at each other; she said, whenever things got boring, they had a fight.

7w8s do not shy away from intensity; they want it in their life, and can look for a way to create it, even if it’s through antagonism and power struggles. They want to win the argument or the fight; 8s do not shy away from things, but tackle them headfirst and assume that by getting bigger, louder, or more intense, they can overpower the other person or situation and get their way. 7w8s also do not want anyone or anything to control them, so they react against it with strong boundaries or anger. They can be avoidant in the same way as 7w6s, but without that desire for attachment or a sense of ‘need’; 7w8s do not need others to protect them, approve of them, or go along with them. They don’t necessarily need to root themselves in anything; they can see other people as potential obstacles in blocking their freedom, or as weaker people who need their protection. The outrageous 7w8 musician Amanda Palmer refused to marry Neil Gaiman until he agreed to an open marriage; in her book, she says she may never take advantage of this, but it’s the only thing that allowed her to face her fears about commitment and feeling trapped; the only way she could “give up” her autonomy was to not give it up. This isn’t to say that 7w8s will never settle down or get married, or want to be in a committed relationship; just that it must happen on their terms.

7w8s are less idealistic and naïve than the 7w6s; they want everything to turn out okay, but know that sometimes you have to use force or aggression to make it okay. You have to go after what you want, because no one is going to just give it to you. They want to make a big impact and devote a lot of time and energy toward their goals. It’s hard for them to admit when they are wrong, or to realize that their energy is overpowering to other people and needs dialed back; 7w8s don’t realize how explosive and dynamic and energetic they can be, compared to other people. Apart from 8w7s, they are the most high-energy number on the Enneagram. But unlike the 8w7, their goal is to arrange their life in such a way that it centers around fulfilling their desires and not missing out on anything. They see themselves in a positive light—as bold, fearless, energetic, a doer, someone who has a good time, and gets things done. But they can also be too forceful in their interactions with others, too eager to cut them off or push them away, out of their 8 wing’s tendency to reject their need for others.

7w8s see themselves as independent and not needing others’ support, approval, or permission to do what they want. They do not want to seem weak even to themselves, and to be vulnerable or admit to loneliness or a need for support contradicts their self-belief in their own strength and toughness. It’s hard for them to dismantle their strong defenses and allow others to penetrate their souls or have access to their inner tenderness. They can be there for others, forceful, angry, and determined, but don’t realize their intensity of energy and angry eruptions can intimidate those they want to attract. They also tend to walk away from things that are hard, or relationships that are not working, if they cannot power through them. In contrast to the 7w6, 7w8s do not over-glamorize their loved ones; they are aware of their flaws and unafraid to draw attention to them as problem areas, but can also see themselves as filling in the gaps (I am stronger than you, so I will handle the things you cannot). They are a blend of optimism and fun-loving energy, and toughness built to deal with the threats they perceive around them.

Character Example: Rhett Butler is one of the most memorable characters in literature or on film. He has a sarcastic remark for every occasion, a sense of playful fun, a hatred of commitment, yet also a brutal honesty that sees the manipulative Scarlett O’Hara as having similar traits to his own pursuit of what he wants, but more guilt about it. Forever encouraging her to just admit to being a scoundrel and enjoy it, Rhett also wants to lavish on her all the pleasures in life. He over-indulges and spends money as easily as he makes it. He teases her even when he’s on the verge of his own potential execution (“Cheer up, Scarlett… maybe I’ll leave you something in my will!”). He’s willing to chase her until she wants him, and by then it’s “too late.” So he leaves, without apology or remorse (“Frankly, my dear… I don’t give a damn”). Charming, witty, opportunistic, and focused on the pleasures of life (rather than fight a war, his ships hawk the latest fashion up and down the Confederate coast), Rhett doesn’t want to face pain any more than Scarlett does… but is also brutal enough in his 8 wing to admit it.

Social variants determine how we respond to the world and where our major priorities in life lie. Attentiveness to bonding, social responsibilities, and how we ‘appear’ to others is in the realm of social (soc). Survival, fulfilling all of one’s needs, and a focus on ensuring one always has enough resources for a comfortable life is self-preservation (sp). Sexual displays, competing for attention, being like a moth to a flame in your pursuit of another person, or competing for a mate falls under the realm of sexual (sx). Read through each to determine which resonates the most with you.

The Self Preservation 7

Self-Preservation Sevens seek Essential Freedom in their lifestyle through experiences and sensual pleasure. They are the most practical and experience-oriented Sevens. They typically have a natural talent for synthesizing skills and creating businesses, art, and adventures, and they might combine these elements into something unexpected, yet useful and interesting. Self-Preservation Sevens find ways to arrange their lifestyle so they can pursue the kinds of experiences, subjects, and interests they love while also ensuring some degree of well-being and material security. Where and how they live is viewed as the nexus to what opportunities and experiences will be available to them. Some Self-Preservation Sevens have multiple projects and money-making endeavors, and they love to travel and have intense experiences. People of this type have a great deal of resilience in the face of setbacks and upheavals. They also have a gift for extending this attitude to friends and loved ones, “sharing the wealth” by means of material support or opening up opportunities for others.

Self-Preservation Sevens express gluttony for resources and experiences that they believe provide physical well-being, an interesting life, and sensual pleasure. Consumption is a major Self-Preservation Seven theme—big expensive meals in fancy restaurants, big shopping excursions, collections, interests in upscale and luxury items are all possible examples. Or, they may live humbly but display a voraciousness in reading, passion for art or film, or prodigious creative output.

Self-Preservation Sevens struggle to know what conditions to agree to, what skills to develop, and what roots to put down in order to foster the kind of life they want to lead. Some Self-Preservation Sevens can feel crushed by a demand to have a life trajectory established by a certain age or by the expectations family may have around what kind of lifestyle they choose.

In Self-Preservation Sevens, anxiety around the limitations and state of the body creates a kind of impatience with the body and with healing, which exacerbates whatever physical and psychological issues are at play. Under stress, they adopt a predatory “me first” entitlement that can be overt in their attitude toward others or played behind the scenes by “borrowing” what they want or scheming for what they feel they are owed or what they think others won’t miss. They may also overestimate their energy and become workaholics in an effort to keep up stimulation and to prevent feeling overwhelmed by anxiety. Many unhealthy Self-Preservation Sevens may indulge in substance abuse, excessive partying, and reckless physical risk-taking, trying to escape crushing inner feelings of deprivation and grief.

Character Example: Though the Star Wars universe has many memorable characters, nobody ever forgets Han Solo. (He shot first.) The smooth-talking, commitment-phobic cargo smuggler lived a life of freedom and excess, devoid of any responsibility that could hamper him, until he met and fell in love with a woman who drove him absolutely crazy. Never one to admit to his mistakes, confess he plays both sides (and may have sold his cargo twice), or stick around when things get tough, Han had no intention of getting involved in the Rebellion. Being involved in a war is a good way to get killed, after all, and you cannot enjoy what money can buy if you’re dead. But once he met Princess Leia, exchanged a few thousand insults with her, and had a couple of passionate lip locks, Han decided it was time to grow up and settle down… well, sort of.

Social Sevens are looking to experience Essential Freedom in their relationships and vocation. For this type, the possibility and variety of life is at its richest when shared. Social Sevens have a strong sense of purpose and a profound desire to meaningfully leave a positive impact on other people. They love making genuine connections, going on adventures with companions, and are generally able to find something worth appreciating in most people.

While Seven and the Social Instinct, taken together, may evoke a picture of the buoyant social butterfly, not all Social Sevens are so extroverted. They tend to have extended networks of friends but have a tight inner circle of enduring connections. Even so, there’s a persistent sense of being called to be part of a larger world or bigger conversation and often a call to genuinely contribute to the betterment of others. Because of this, they are prone to being giving and self-sacrificing, often giving up opportunities, freedom, and self-interest for the sake of others.

One of the major difficulties that Social Sevens struggle with is not knowing where to invest their energy and time, so Gluttony compensates for this lack of real knowing by trying to pursue nearly every option they find even a little bit interesting. It’s hard for them to settle on where to develop their gifts and contributions. Unconsciously, there’s a belief that finding the right kind of relationships and the right kind of orientation, role, or calling will unlock the meaning they’re seeking, yet the fear of missing out on what that calling is, or where that key to unlocking potential lies. Adding to this difficulty, Social Sevens tend to be able to see something positive and interesting in nearly every path, option, and person. It can also lead to a lack of discrimination of who and where to give energy to, resulting in a frustrating feeling that it’s nearly impossible to make the “inroads” the Social Seven seeks or to figure out what to devote themselves to.

Under stress, Type Sevens have an unconscious habit of setting themselves up for disappointment by overlooking negativity or making agreements without fully considering the consequences of doing so. They may agree to take on responsibilities toward many people or organizations until they feel bogged down and resentful, searching for a quick way out.

As Social Sevens become overtaken with anxiety, they can be ungrounded, unreliable, and out of control while retaining a charming façade, so others can easily be swept up into the Social Seven’s impulse to escalate situations. In trying to enhance the social atmosphere through outrageousness, imbalanced Social Sevens are prone to escalation, burnout, and putting themselves at risk through self-neglect and recklessness. The focus on other people flips to self-absorption and hedonism, using other people and betraying their trust.

Character Example: Everyone remembers the manic energy and joy of the Genie in Aladdin, whether we’re talking about the original Robin Williams (himself a social 7) and his hours and hours of unreleased “riffing” as his character, or the more recent incarnation in the live-action version. Confident, optimistic, helpful, and even mature in his belief that Aladdin should tell Jasmine the truth, the Genie is helpful, useful, and supportive—but he also wants to have an amazing time, and goes massively overboard in everything he does. Aladdin wants to be a sultan? Well, he needs at least a thousand attendants, a massive entourage, peacocks, golden elephants, throw coins to the crowd… the works. Plus a rousing introductory song that will make his lady love’s heart drop, or maybe just her jaw. Though being a Genie sucks (“POOF, WHAT DO YOU NEED???”), even that has its perks. Right? Once out of the lamp, Genie sets out to “see the world”! (Hahaha… made ya look!)

The Sexual 7

Sexual Sevens want to experience Essential Freedom in chemistry, their fascinations, and their romantic partnerships. The high energy of Type Seven paired with the attraction-seeking, boundary-pushing Sexual Drive produces colorful characters who have a willingness to drop whatever they’re doing in pursuit of something that has captivated them. The object of desire represents a doorway to a new world and an entry into experiences they couldn’t have anticipated.

There’s a sense that every partner, every romance, and every turn in the evolution of a long-term partnership is a new discovery. They can have a gluttony for arousal. Much of their talent, charm, and success comes from this capacity, but they can jump completely into one project or person, and then the next and the next; the consequence is that their life can take on a zig-zag pattern. In seeking fascinating people and experiences, Sexual Sevens want to be fascinating as well. Yet their tendency to be stretched thin may lead to having many interests but not a lot of proficiency in any one skill nor any particular direction in life, fueling an insecurity they may compensate for by resorting to being outrageous or provocative instead of well-rounded.

As a type based in the Intellectual Center, all Sevens experience difficulty being in contact with a quality of inner knowing and discernment. When personality co-opts the Sexual Drive, it interferes with the natural intelligence and discrimination of attraction and chemistry, becoming overridden by intense mental excitation, a need for stimulation and seeing people through a veil of imagination. It can seem almost as if others become characters through the lens of a fairy tale or story. Therefore, a great deal of the basis for attraction of Sexual Sevens is the symbolic potential that the person and their relationship may open up. The obstruction of imagination over one’s experience can also easily turn into a pattern of chasing “peaks.”

Imbalanced Sexual Sevens will hardly allow for a situation to unfold on its own, and instead will goad things along with provocation to up the ante or add something to the experience. When this happens, the natural transgressive and provocative impulses of the Sexual Drive become intensified by mental activity toward exaggerated exhibitionism and fascination with the perverse. This can both stave off the possibility of sincerity and intimacy and undermine their attractiveness.

Character Example: Everything about the world above seems so much better than a boring life under the sea… that’s how Ariel of The Little Mermaid feels. She collects objects from the world above to fantasize over them and romanticize what it must be like. With stars in her eyes, she saves a human and instantly falls madly in love with him—so much so she will risk becoming seaweed just for the three-day chance to make him fall in love with her. Even if it costs her voice. Blindly optimistic, unfailingly sure of herself, and unrealistic in her expectations, Ariel greets everything on land with enormous joy, even if she has no vocal cords. It all holds delightful wonders for her to behold, from a simple fork to a walk along the shore at dusk. Ball gowns, carriages, horses, what wonderful things! So much better than her collection, or her family, or even the statue she once embraced in her cavern of wonders. Ariel wants it all—to feel the sand beneath her feet, to touch fire, to be away… away from her life, and in another one. To avoid her losses, her daddy’s temper, and her own pain.

Spiritual Growth Suggestions

As 7s work on themselves and become more self-aware, they learn to escape the trap of pursuing more superficial pleasures and avoiding the enjoyment of a deeper experience of themselves. They do this by slowing down and allowing themselves to be present, appreciating the value of their fear and their pain, and finding the joy in personal connections that comes when they connect with their own depths.

Notice when you are…

Focusing on pleasure as a way to escape pain. Observe what happens when you speed up and head toward an experiences that promises you pleasure. Get clearer about your motives when you feel driven toward a particular experience of pleasure. Ask yourself if you’re moving toward fun to avoid the threat of feeling uncomfortable. What are you getting away from? Notice if you change the subject during a conversation to avoid an unpleasant topic. Tune into the ways you may flee when painful feelings threaten to arise. Think about what motivates you when your search for fun intensifies or you distract yourself with stimulating ideas while trying to focus on something less interesting. Inquire into your feelings if something painful happens and notice your responses. Notice how you devalue specific experiences by framing them negatively, thereby rationalizing your avoidance of them.

Confusing indulgence and freedom from limits with love. Observe what happens when you engage in “soft rebellion.” Notice how you experience the “authorities” in your life. Notice how you respond to the constraints others place on you. What kinds of things do you feel limited by? How do you react to them? Tune into any fear or anxiety connected to these experiences. What do you imagine fuels your fear? Notice the ways you might indulge in pleasure when what you really want is love. Note if you equate limitation with a lack of love, and indulgence with love, and think about why. Consider what you really want from the people around you, and note if you substitute involving them in fun instead of love or attention.

Living for or in the future as a way of avoiding the present. Observe what is happening when you are focused on the future. Do you feel a compulsion to plan for future adventures? Notice what your visions of the future look like and how they might function as a way to escape the present. Think about what’s happening now instead of then. Do you tend to imagine excessively optimistic future scenarios? What motivates you at a deeper level to do this? Is there something you’re trying to get away from? Slow your pace and observe what happens, especially if any feelings or sensations arise.

Questions to ask yourself:

How and why did these patterns develop?
What emotions are these patterns designed to protect me from?
Why am I doing this?
How are these patterns operating in me?
What are my blind spots, because of these patterns?
What do they keep me from seeing?
What are the consequences of continuing to be this way?
How do my coping mechanisms trap me?

Self-Development:

To counter-act focusing on pleasure as a way to escape pain.

Make yourself more mindful of the movement from pleasure to pain. See your escape as an illusion. Slow down the process of escaping into fun and watch how it happens. The more you can watch yourself deny, avoid, or run away from pain, the more you can make a conscious choice to stay with hard things, survive them, and grow from them.
Don’t mistake a bag of wind for a bag of treasure. You will create more pain for yourself when you focus only on pleasure. The pretty pictures you create in your mind might not amount to anything. If you really want to live, you have to experience occasional pain. As long as you believe escape is an option, through pleasure, fun, and planning, you will not make inner progress on your journey.
Recognize the pleasure of your pain and the pain that comes from living only for pleasure. Allowing yourself to feel your fears and touch into your pain can lead to more pleasure in life and relationships. Too much of a good thing often leads to some kind of pain. Remind yourself of this, to help reverse the process of escapism.

To counter-act confusing indulgence and freedom from limits with love.

Recognize anxiety as a side effect of liberation. Remind yourself that anxiety is an inherent part of being free, not something you escape by seeking unlimited freedom. Walking toward it instead of fleeing from it (and understanding its sources) can help you work through it and truly become free of it.
Learn the difference between love and pleasure. Real love and relationships require bringing all of yourself to your experience with others, not just the happy or pleasurable parts. Notice when you are using pursing fun and pleasure as a substitute for love. It’s the quality of your contact with others that is important in your fulfillment, not pleasure.
Reference others as a way of balancing freedom and connection. You tend to pay attention to and focus on your own needs, feelings, and desires. Learning to focus more consciously on others helps you balance out your compulsive need for freedom with a stronger ability to be present for and with other people. Learn to sink more deeply into your connections, not to find refuge through stimulation, but to bring the fulfillment of your own experience into more intimate contact with all of someone else. Often, this is fun and exciting. Sometimes, it isn’t. Stay. Be “with” your friends and family’s down moods and painful struggles as well as their joys.

To counter-act living for the future as a way of avoiding being present now.

See all the ways you go to “then” to escape from “now.” Notice how you focus on the future as an escape from the present moment. Notice yourself becoming absorbed in futuristic fantasies. Try to see how you could bring what you are longing for into the present moment. Focus on today instead of tomorrow or next week. Realize the urge to plan a getaway is a sign you’re having trouble accepting the present. The present is the only place you can truly live. Learn to consciously live and love.
Allow for a fuller experience of pain and other uncomfortable emotions. One aspect of your personality is the desire to avoid “growing up,” and to stay like Peter Pan, in childhood fun and indulgence. Make a concentrated effort to more fully engage with adulthood and pain, as part of the process to becoming all you can be. Use meditation, the support of others, or supportive practices, and reap the benefits of being awake to self.
Risk living in the present. Practice being “here.” Come back into your body and ground yourself in your breath or check how you are feeling. Challenge yourself to see what’s wonderful in the moment. If you find this hard or boring, ask others to help you. Find support for the difficult feelings that may arise. Learn to see that it is the deeper experience of all their feelings in the “now” that provides you with a portal to your greater self.

Using your integration and disintegration numbers for self-growth:

Move to 1 by allowing for a clearer idea of what is good and right and seeking to serve a higher good. Move out of your dreams and fantasies into direct action, making something of your desire to create and actually finishing things. Moving through 1 discipline and follow-through will help you make the possibilities you imagine more practical, achievable, and polished. You will learn diligence, discipline, responsibility, and dedication to a higher social good. It will balance out self-interest with selflessness, and bring your dreams into reality through hard work. Blend your enthusiasm with practicality as a way of making things happen. The 1s objective, critical analysis can help you structure your visions.

Move to 5 by allowing yourself to become less social, less busy, and more thoughtful. Become more internal and involved in your thoughts in a less manic way. Recognize the need to rest, relax, and not have to manage the outside world through diplomacy or humor. Honor that part of yourself that might need to withdraw, hide out, and enjoy private pleasures. Remind yourself it’s okay to retreat once in awhile. Shift your attention from the external to the internal world and make more objective, thoughtful, considered decisions about how to spend your energy and more mindfully take care of yourself.

Sources: Richard Rohr, The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective, Claudio Naranjo: Character and Neurosis, Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson, The Wisdom of the Enneagram, Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge; The Instinctual Drives and the Enneagram by John Luckovich. Sections quoted or paraphrased. Please purchase the original books for more information.

Funky MBTI

Teaching MBTI & Enneagram Through Fictional Characters

7: The Need to Avoid Pain