When Enneagram teachers talk about projection, they describe how we sometimes take our own feelings or fears about ourselves and assign them to others. For a Type 6, this often means assuming that others secretly judge or dislike us because we fear these things ourselves.

For example, a 6 criticized at work might react as if the other person literally thinks they are “stupid,” even though that’s not said. Or a 6 who hasn’t heard back from a friend might anxiously assume they’re angry or upset, when in fact, that may not be true at all.

The Anxious Attachment Pattern in Relationships

I hear this anxiety a lot from social 6s worried about friendships and connections. I deeply relate. As a teenager, if someone didn’t answer me for weeks, I panicked. I blamed myself, revisiting every word I’d written, convinced I’d offended them. I had no clue about how 9s tend to disappear for long stretches without realizing it.

If I’d understood both 9s and myself better then, it wouldn’t have been so painful.

From Teenage Panic to Adult Awareness

Fortunately, this anxious attachment pattern faded once I dove deeper into the inner workings of Type 6. I learned that the fearful stories my mind told me were not reality. If people were truly upset with me, they’d show it, either openly or passively. Otherwise, I shouldn’t assume anything.

This shift made me a much easier friend to be around. I stopped sending mixed signals, begging for attention, or apologizing prematurely. Instead, I give space and trust people to come back when they can.

Why Our Fearful Minds Invent Stories

Fear loves to fill in the blanks with worst-case scenarios. When you’re a 6, it’s all too easy to jump from “I haven’t heard from them” to “They must be mad at me” or “They don’t like me anymore.”

But the truth is, those feelings come from inside you. Not the other person.

At work, criticism may feel like a personal attack because you’re afraid you’re not good enough, not because the other person is actually judging you harshly.

The Power of Being Present With Yourself

The key is to become present with your own thoughts and feelings—without judgment. Notice your anxiety and ask:

“What am I afraid of right now?”
“Is this fear based on evidence, or my own insecurities?”

For example, instead of spiraling when you don’t hear back from a friend, say to yourself:

“I’m anxious because I’m afraid they’re mad at me.”

By owning the fear, you remove it from the other person’s mind and put it where it belongs—inside your own.

How to Catch Yourself Before the Spiral

The moment you recognize projection starting, remind yourself:

“I am doing that 6 thing again—assuming the worst without evidence.”

Choose a different thought. Choose calm. Choose patience.

Moving Toward a 9’s Calm, Patient Stance

Over time, this practice helps you move toward the peaceful patience of a healthy 9. Instead of rushing to anticipate problems or react defensively, you learn to wait and see what really is happening.

You give yourself (and your relationships) the gift of space and trust.

Final Thoughts

Anxious attachment and projection are common struggles for Type 6, but they can be softened by awareness and presence. When you learn to notice your fears without judgment and separate your insecurities from others’ intentions, you free yourself from needless worry—and become a more grounded, low-maintenance friend.

Learn how to grow as a 6 in my book 9 Kinds of Quirky, available on Amazon.com or digitally.