“Am I a 6 or a 9?” seems to be a common question among people unable to land on their Enneagram type. Intellectually, it can be confusing, but when you play it out in reality, the differences are quite stark between 6s and 9s. As Richard Rohr once said, “Some 9s are aware of their inner anxiety and assume it might make them a 6, but are not aware of how calm and detached they seem to others, only of their nervous inner experience.” 6s are not able to conceal this inner anxiety, and others are quite aware of it.

Outer Reach vs. Inner Retreat

Let’s start first with the most obvious distinction. 6s are part of the super-ego triad, which includes 1 and 2, and 9s are part of the withdrawn triad, which includes 4 and 5. The super-ego triad moves actively toward others in the hopes of establishing a connection. The withdrawn triad does not. This shapes the orientation of the 6 outward, and the 9 inward. The 6 moves toward people with the assumption they can solicit help, advice, or discussion. They assume others will be there for them, out of their desire (discussed last week) to create a security net for themselves.

9s do not think in this way; they never assume people will be there for them or are interested in helping them. It does not occur to them to ask for help, because of their withdrawn tendency to pull away to focus on finding their own solutions.

Nap Now, Worry Later

This means 6s are more attuned to others than 9s and are more aware of holding space for others. 9s are invested in their own inner tranquility and managing it; they are inner-focused. They adapt to others just like a 6 when around them, but when upsets happen in their life, they disappear. It feels so overwhelming, their instinct is to retreat… away from others or into themselves.

One of my 9 friends said, “Whenever a crisis is happening in my life, it makes me so tired, I take a nap!” She is not the only 9 who has told me this; it seems to be the common response for any 9 who has had a stressful morning. In many ways, that’s their solution to most of life’s problems: to shut down, to feel exhausted by all the turmoil and chaos, and go to sleep to escape life.

The 6 is unable to do this. We can’t just sleep and forget the unfolding crisis in our lives, because our brain does not give us a break. While the 9 lives through the body and felt bodily experiences, the 6 lives through the mind. We reason, therefore we exist.

We assume the problem is ours to solve, even when it’s not. 9s do not think others’ problems are theirs to solve unless it directly affects them; they are reluctant to get involved or to offer unsolicited advice. But if something happens around a 6, they assume it’s their problem to fix, and it’s all they can think about.

Mind Over Mood

If something comes up in the 9’s life that is upsetting, they may get angry about it, but their desire is to be in a state of calm, so they go to sleep to themselves. Maybe literally. They either act from pure instinct or anger to correct it or assume it will somehow work out if they do nothing about it.

If the same problem arises in a 6’s life, the mental wheels start spinning. The 6 thinks about the potential consequences, how this will impact them and their loved ones, how it could go wrong, the worst-case scenario, and what to do about it (which sometimes is nothing, because they can’t reach a decision, not because they think it will be okay).

The mind of the 9 feels a rush of anger followed by tiredness; the mind of the 6 powers up into an over-thinking machine full of anxiety. When my 9 friend got robbed by an overcharge, it made her angry that she had to worry about it and deal with getting her money back, because it disrupted her entire day. Then she took a nap. If I get overcharged, I can think of nothing else until I get my money back… full of anxiety.

The Calm vs. The Storm

9s are much calmer than 6s and harder to get a rise out of, because 6s are part of the reactive triad. Reactive types overreact and draw attention to what is wrong (along with 4s and 8s). A reactive type wants others to escalate alongside them and agree this is something worth being upset about.

6s get upset without a choice; 9s decide what’s worth feeling anxious about and dismiss much of it. I once heard a story about an upset woman who informs her husband that their child just fell off his bike and expects to get a reaction out of him. The husband, a 9, calmly asks if the bike is okay. She wanted him to fly off the handle about their son, but he sees that the kid is still alive and standing there, so… is the bike fine? Why should I get upset when everything is okay?

This, in a nutshell, encapsulates the difference between 6 and 9. One is upset and expects others to escalate, inviting them to take part in the fearful emotions, and the other type doesn’t find the situation worth inconveniencing himself out of his tranquil state.

Another example is Mike Wheeler’s parents in Stranger Things. His mother often has loud arguments with her children at the dinner table, ending in them all flouncing off to separate corners of the house. It frequently annoys her that her 9 husband does nothing about it. It never occurs to him to get involved. What has their argument to do with him? Just be quiet and eat, kids!

He’s a caricature of a 9. The calm in the storm of constant reactive chaos that thrives around him, no doubt exhausted by all of their reactive hysterics.

Gut Instinct vs. Overthinking Spiral

Another difference between 6 and 9 is they come from two separate centers. 9s are gut types, which means they know in their body what the right decision for them should be. 6s rarely trust their gut first and can forget their body exists, as they operate primarily out of their head.

When considering whether to abandon a relationship, my 9 friend said she was done, it felt right, and made her feel less anxious to walk away from it, because this person was not right for her. Her certainty baffled me.

I waffle on relationships, I think about them, I allow my super-ego to dictate to me what the “right” thing to do is, I weigh things, I make pros and cons lists. In the midst of my uncertainty, a 9 told me to put my hand on my stomach and shut my eyes and think of that person, to listen to my body. I imagined not being their friend anymore and, to my shock, my entire body relaxed, as if I had been holding my breath.

There was my answer. The real one buried beneath all my second-guessing and overthinking. The answer the 9 would instinctively find. 9s know in their gut what 6s try to figure out in their minds.

The Agreeable Rebel

The final distinction lies in the attachment nature of both 6 and 9. The 9 desires inner peace, which means a lack of outer conflict. A 9 takes care of other people’s feelings (or just ignores them) to maintain their own peace of mind.

This makes 9s agreeable on the surface but not in their inner self. They agree with you to keep things tranquil but do not intend to do what you said. Agreement is better than an argument, but it’s not sincere, just a tactic to maintain calm.

By contrast, 6s as reactive types are “raw” and “real.” They react to what’s happening, they argue with people, they are resistant to authority; they don’t like to be pinned down and try to thwart anyone who sticks them in a box, not realizing their own need to put everything into a box and explain it.

They can be contrarian or insistent on their point of view. Fear of loss and separation kicks in after creating a problem with their strong opinion or by resisting others trying to influence them.

It may not occur to a 6 to employ the tactic of agreement, even if they don’t like it, just to keep things pleasant, because that’s not authentic to what they think.

Annoying Each Other by Accident

Often a 6 does not recognize how aggravating playing the devil’s advocate can be until they meet another 6, who does the same thing to them (testing them, pushing against them, defying them, arguing with everything they say).

Likewise, a 9 might not realize how annoying their passive-aggressive tactics are until they deal with another 9 at work.

Learn how to grow as a 6 in my book 9 Kinds of Quirky, available on Amazon.com or digitally.